New Years' Resolutions

See ya later 2009, don't let the door hit you on the way out you sunnuvabitch! I for one will welcome 2010 with open arms and open wallet. Everyone knows that 2009 sucked, the economy, golden parachutes, auto bailout, Tiger Woods... everything was shitty. So it comes to the point where people like to make resolutions. Most of the are something like "work out more" which I find funny because if you didn't work out at all then 1 time is technically working out more. How bout "quit smoking"? Good luck with that. Who smokes anymore, honestly? Quite Frankly (S.A. Smith anyone? fuck that guy) we can all do a little better. Well, I take that back. I don't have that much, or any, faith in humanity. I can do better, I'll leave everyone to their own devices.

1. Drink more Wiskey. The good stuff, not that plastic bottle swill I drank when I lived on 12th and summit/damn near 4th. ($250/month, can you blame me??)I got a brand new bottle of Glenlivet 18 year old for Christmas, and I plan on enjoying it and many other bottles this year.

2. Grow a mustache for "no shave November". Don't you dare question my judgment on this one.

3. More drinking in the hot tub. Well, I would say more using the hot tub and pool, but everyone knows that swimming sucks unless you have at least one drink. It's a great way to relax.

4. Less dinners out, but when I do go out I will go somewhere that doesn't suck. I read a book recently that made a lot of sense, part of it is basically about not how we should go out less or spend less on things we like but that we should spend less on things we don't care or like all that much. I don't know about you, but I am not a big fan of eating at Chili's, TGIFriday's, etc. That probably isn't even food. While I do like the chain "Islands"(Western US only) I don't like it enough to eat there, or similar places, as much as I do. Which really isn't that often, but you get the point. Wow, that was a rant.

5. More road trips. Vegas, Santa Barbara, Vegas, Tahoe, Vegas.....Vegas!!!

6. Attend 2 tOSU Football games in 2010. Not sure whether to count the bowl game or not.



I think 5 is enough. Besides, I just packing up the car with the coolers, red cups, tables and chairs for the Rose Bowl tomorrow. My mind can only handle so many thoughts of domination at once.

Go Bucks!!!

"Happy Holidays"

2010 is almost here, which for most of us that dwell in the business world is a very welcomed change. 2009 sucked a bag of rotten donkey dicks as far as making money is concerned. Nobody bought anything, or in some cases even continued their projects that they had slated for 2009. I for one welcome 2010 with open arms and an open wallet. Fuck you 2009.

But we still have a couple days left of 2009, which means more chances for people to wish me "Happy Holidays". You gotta love the age of the politically correct. Wishing someone a Merry Christmas is frowned upon more than Roman Polanski doing what he did. At what point in time in my life did people stop wishing me "Merry Christmas" and switch to "Happy Holidays"?? Seriously though, if someone wished me a happy Hanukkah I wouldn't get miffed(Kwanzaa is a different story all together because I am one of the whitest dudes on the face of the planet Earth). It's a nice gesture no matter what holiday they insert in the greeting., just be happy no one is trying to cut you off on the freeway or flipping you the bird.

If you get offended by people wishing you a Merry Christmas you should probably just die. In this day an age it's a miracle in and of itself for anyone to say something nice to you unprovoked. Just take it for what it's worth: someone being nice to you when most other people think you're worthless. You don't have to send out Christmas cards, or presents or anything, just say "Thank You" and wish them the same. Done and done. There's no use saying "Excuse me, but I don't celebrate Christmas". It's kind of like when someone asks you how you are doing when they greet you. Honestly, they don't care. If you respond with something other than "fine" good" or "OK" you are a douche. Unless you're really close to the person that asks, no one wants to hear about how your wife left you, stole your pickup truck and ran over your dog. Actually, even if that person knows you they probably don't want to hear all that shit. Nobody likes Debbie Downer.

What do you say to a humanist? Nothing, they are pricks. Fuck them.

Bowl Season is Upon Us

You know what that means? The most glorious time of the year will soon come to an end and we'll be forced in to watching a bazillion NBA games on TNT, at least Charles Barkley does the half time show and provides us with entertainment. C-Webb, not so much(TIMEOUT!!).

When I think about Bowl Season I think of two major things: Goddamn there are a lot of bowl games and do they let just anyone sponsor these things? Point in Case: The Brut(yeah, the stuff your grandpa splashed on after he shaved) Sun Bowl. Brut! FUCKING BRUT! I think Old Spice would be a more suitable sponsor for a bowl because at least they make other popular products and not just cologne/aftershave that no one under 65 years of age buys. How bout the Motor City Bowl in Sunny Detroit! Isn't that fucking city bankrupt?!?!?! Little Caesar's Bowl.... all I know is that they sell $5 "hot and ready" pizzas and that's all. That's a shit ton of $5 pizzas. This company has to be bankrupt. My new Favorite might actually be the St. Petersburg Bowl sponsored by something called "Beef 'O' Bradys". Wow, that's amazing.

Why isn't there a Trojan Condom's Bowl? Or the Tampax Bowl made famous by the Academy Award winning Film "BASEketball"??? Seriously, I want these things to happen in my life time. If we can have bowl games sponsored by Beef O Brady's and Roady's, why not Condoms or Vivid Video? Seriously think about it. Vivid Video should be the sponsor of the Las Vegas Bowl, not Maaco.

Actually now that I think of it, my dream will never become a reality because supposedly we're going to have a playoff system in place within the next decade. RIGHT. Congress is involved people say, that will help. Name one time, JUST ONE, when congress has stepped in and actually made something happen faster that wasn't a tax hike! Can't do it, can you? It's just more of your tax dollars hard at work! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Tiger Woods Banged Some Chicks.... and other things I don't care about.

-Tiger Woods is a poon hound. The count is up to 10. Varying from "kinky" sex outdoors in a church parking lot to being high on Ambien while banging some slut, the details can get pretty gory. While I do enjoy hearing that he's banging chics from pornos and stupid cocktail waitresses I am tired of it being on sport center. The only thing that should piss me off on ESPN is Josh Elliot(bc he's a douche) , Jesse Palmer(Certified Grade-A Douche) and the constant sucking of the SEC's collective dick. Let me read about it on Deadspin if I choose to, I just don't want it in the "Not Top 10".

-What's with people bitching about Christmas/Hanuka decorations in public places? I was listening to the radio yesterday and a "Humanist" called in and basically complained that other humanist feel sad during the holidays because they don't believe in God and there are no decorations up for them. So they've started a campaign letting other humanists know that it's OK to celebrate the holidays and give gifts etc, you don't have to believe in Jesus, or the story about how the oil in the lamp lasted 8 nights for those Jewish people back in the day.

Their overall message of just be a good person is alright, I can dig it. But I just hate when people bitch because their views aren't represented the same way that other people's are. Do I get upset when all the local media covers is the Lakers and I am a Cavs fan? Yes! Well, not really. Stop whining. The world doesn't need less decorations and more holidays. It needs less whiny people. Besides, what do humanist/atheist decorations look like? Are they invisible since they believe in nothing? We all know that believing in something you can't see is silly, right?

-It rained yesterday. The commute was terrible and to top it all off my shoe got pretty much water-logged. Reminds me why I don't live in Ohio anymore. But for all of you idiots that think it's "freezing" here now, it isn't even close. You can put your down jackets and mittens away, everything is going to be ok. And what's with the girls wearing winter coats, ugg boots and short shorts. Not complaining, but it just looks dumb.

-I went to Dicks Sporting Goods yesterday. My girlfriend was looking for long sleeve shirts to wear under her t-shirts at work and I noticed something weird. It's December and they already have a fresh crop of swim suits out on display. The Ski section is close to being boxed up in December! WTF!!! I'm just glad their aren't Valentine's Day decorations up yet, but now that I've said something they've probably started.

All of this just makes me realize that I am one of the few sane people left in this country. That's not exactly comforting.

Also, Timmy TeBag cried on TV. There is justice in this world after all.

People that call it "Turkey Day" should be shot... or be forced to go back to 3rd grade. Whatever floats your proverbial boat

That's right, fuck you, third grad teachers of America. Referring to one of the most bad-ass holidays ever as "Turkey Day" makes you sound like a tard. (Again, no offense to actual tards. You guys probably hate that phrase too.) You wouldn't say "Happy Jesus Day!" would you? No you wouldn't because that would actually be funny and original. Two things which you are not. You're the type of person that wears ugly Christmas sweaters because you actually like them, not because you are going to an ugly sweater party. I am thankful that I don't keep many people like you inside the circle of trust. You have all been kicked out. Probably many many years ago because I can't stand you and your stupid face.

But I guess I should be thankful for other things like girlfriend(hates when I call her that), family, the troops in all those hot sandy god-awful places, etc. I genuinely am thankful for all of those things. Here are some other things I am thankful for as we pause to let deep thoughts evolve in our ever expanding minds on this day before the day of giving thanks. (I also refuse to refer to the day before Thanksgiving as "Thanksgiving Eve". That's just making more stupid holidays up. I'm looking at YOU "sweetest day".)

- Cheetos - They're awesome, admit it.

-The Bevmo that opened up by my house this year - It's a glorious thing. For those of you that don't know what Bevmo is and have also never heard of Google either, Bevmo is like a supermarket dedicated to all this containing alcohol or that with be mixed or eaten in conjunction with alcohol. Whoever invented this was a genius.

- Not going to the night-before-Thanksgiving in your hometown bar gathering - Let me set you straight here, I am not happy that I won't be in Ohio for Thanksgiving. That's not my point at all. I'm just happy I won't have to hang out with douches that I went to the same high school roughly 10 years ago, pretend to like them, pretend to care what they're up to now, etc. I have, in the past, played the pretend caring card only to have it blow up in my face as a result of Jager shots. While I will miss pissing everyone off, I won't miss pretending to care that I like you. You probably call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day" anyway. Douche.

- The Rose Bowl - Finally an OSU game close by that isn't another home game for those USC D-Bags.

- A couple days off from work - No explanation needed.

- Spending the day AFTER Thanksgiving going to wineries and the Firestone brewery in Paso Robles and NOT SHOPPING - People that go shopping on "Black Friday" are idiots. Ever heard of amazon.com? 10 times better than walmart at 4am on a cold Friday in November waiting in line to buy the next thing your little brat will destroy in 2 months or forget about completely when the next big thing comes out.

The Holiday season is upon us, people. It's Scary. Try not to kill yourself or the guy next to you fighting for the same new xbox game that your kid wants too. Just remember to eat drink and drink some more. We can do this. We just have to be strong.

Pet Peave of the Day.

So I got up from my chair at my desk to take a leak. It's a pretty regular occurrence, I drink lots of water. The urinals are occupado and I will NOT violate the one urinal rule because I am a man of principle. I do the gentlemanly thing and walk towards and empty stall. I open the door and to my horror SOMEONE BLEW T UP AND DID NOT FLUSH!!!! WTF!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! To add insult to injury they left the ass gasket on the seat. Fuck it, I walked out.

What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.

Fuck Michigan

We got the "dubya". Michigan can suck my fucking dick. Back to the celebration... Go Bucks

Dad Takes Son to Hooters.... Bricks are Shat.

(In my best Jimmy, from South Park voice) "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?"

I hate when people get their shorts in a bunch over the stupidest little things. Big deal, this guy took his kids to Hooters(not a strip club?) to see what his reaction would be and to tell if it was time for "the talk". Good. It's better than more babies havin babies.

"Der Hooters is sexist" - You're a moron. Sure, wearing short shorts and flaunting your lady parts is going to get you bigger tips. Won't that happen at Chili's(suck) or TGIFriday's (double-suck)? You're only fooling yourself. These are the same people that will let their son play with barbies and wonder how he turned out to be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that) or a very effeminate "straight" guy who gets bullied by his wife and has his nuts in a vice.

Don't people have enough shit to worry about in their own lives that they don't have time to stick their noses in other people's business? Take care of your own problems. I read the comments, and most of the people are retarded(save for me or course pointing out sweet sweet irony) saying stuff like "how dare you?" and "messed up". Fuck them. Worry about your own kids.

This is what's wrong with America.

Sports Commandments

I have returned from the top of the mountain and have returned with these 15.. *crash* TEN Commandments of sports fandom. Actually, there might be more than 10 if I can think of them(nope, just 10). The number really isn't all that important, all that matters is that you follow them. Blindly follow even. I'm a HUGE sports fan. Most of my friends fall under the same category. We all know there are certain unwritten and sometimes even unspoken rules that all fans should obey. Here's my list.

1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.

2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.

3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.

4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".

5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".

6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.

7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.

8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.

Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious

9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.

10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.

Finally, the weekend.

Luckily for me, I didn't have to show up to the office today. Being a sales rep means I get to go all over the damn place and spend a lot of time sitting in LA traffic cursing my existence. Today wasn't all that bad though, I went to a mini-convention maybe 3 miles from my house which means instead of waking up at 5:45 and starting my routine, which you have all seen(and by" you" I mean Ski, my mom, and my sister) I got to sleep til damn near 7. That's a fucking accomplishment. How sad my life has become.

3 or 4 years ago waking up at 7 was not a possibility unless it was a football Saturday and I had important business[drinking] to attend to. I used to sleep til 10 at a minimum to make it to my noon class, and even then there was no guarantee I would make it, which would explain why I was constantly on academic probation from the fine establishment also known as Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity. Now if I sleep til 7 or 7:30 I wake up and feel like I've slept til noon. It's fucked up. What's going on with my body and my brain? Even if I try to sleep in my body naturally wakes me up thus shooting all chances of sleeping in squarely in the ass.

Anyway, let's get back on topic: me not being in the office today. So being out of the office let's me avoid one thing I hate; STANDARD OFFICE SMALL TALK. You probably know what I mean by this. You can almost tell what certain people you work with are going to say to you in the morning just by what day it is.

Monday - Standard Questions: How was your weekend? Did your team win? etc. Standard Statements. My weekend was good, TOO SHORT THOUGH ROFL!!!! My team won or lost goddammit they suck balls. I can't wait til Friday. My life sucks. I need more coffee to handle this shit, etc.

Tuesday - HEY, at least it's not Monday!! LOL HIGH FIVE!

Wednesday - IT'S HUMP DAY/HAPPY HUMP DAY! These statements seem ironic, and I looove irony. Everyone that says something about hump day has the same perverted thought in their head "ha, you just said hump!". Fact of the matter is, everyone I work with is married and has kids so NO day is ever hump day for them. Literally.

Thursday - OMFG I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, I need more coffee to make it through this shit.

FRIDAY - WOO Weekend, bla bla bla let's not do any work today at all because I checked out as soon as I parked my car in the garage this morning! What are your weekend plans? Who does your team play? You Golf?

How many times during a 5 day work week do these people say the word "Friday"? Friday is the most popular word in every office everywhere. No wonder we're so fucked and the recession went on/is going on for so long. Everyone is a moron.

I hate Office small talk for another reason: no one knows shit about you. They don't care what your responses are, and they won't remember any of them. I can't tell you how many times I've been over that fact that I am from Ohio with people I work with. "Ohio??" Yes, Ohio. And no I do not like country music, did not live on a farm or any other retarded vision of Ohioans you have in your head. People in California are so fucking dumb when it comes to anything outside of their bubble. To them there California, some dry hot places, some cold places, farmers, hicks and NYC. That's it. That's what America looks like to them.

Anyways, I'm fucking out. I have football to watch. Go WVU(fuck Cincituckey), and Go Bucks!

Almost forgot - thanks to everyone at 11w and the BBC for checking this out. Your comments and readership are appreciated.

Random thought

I live in Laker country, and hate the Lakers with a passion. Everyone LOVES Magic Johnson in LA. (Erv for all you "clones" out there, if you listen to Jim Rome you get it) Magic Johnson could bang a lot of hookers without wearing a condom even though he is married and get AIDS and people would still love him.. wait, wait a minute, that already happened.

Anyway, I was thinking of this a while ago. Picture the "Show Time" Lakers locker room. Magic, Kurt Rambis, James Worthy.... and AC Green. Sing it with me "one of these things is not like the other". You got Magic goin raw with LA Hookers and then there's AC, who was a virgin until he was like 45 or some crap. There could not be two more polar opposites in the world. Yet, they were on the same team and in the same locker room.

I have to think Magic gave AC some serious shit back in the day.Serious name calling, maybe even suggesting he preferred the company of other men, etc. Do you think AC calls Erv up and just says "told ya so" and hangs up? I would, but I'm like that. Spiteful.

Also, if ALS is "Lou Gehrig's Disease" why isn't HIV/AIDS "Magic Johnson's Disease"?? This is the kind of shit I think of in my spare time.

Side Note: Erv used to do safe sex commercials back in the day. OH SWEET IRONY!

Losing your cool

When is the age when you're not allowed to do certain things anymore? Like all the stuff that used to be cool, you still think is but everyone looks at you like you're and idiot because you still do. Perfect example: video games. I think this is something that my generation (AKA the first people to have Nintendo) is the first to experience. Are we all going to be like 75 and playing xbox12million? Will they have fixed the red ring of death thing by then? Of course if you're like me, then you probably won't be playing anymore. The only video game system I own is Nintendo 64 because you still can't fuck with Mario Kart 64. No contest, best game ever. Golden Eye 64 is a close second. It is 1B to MK64's 1A.

Other things that you "grow out of"

- Basketball shoes - They're so comfortable!!! I wore them from elementary through like 10th grade. If I wore them now?? I'd look like a complete tool. It sucks! I want those new zoom air LeBron maxes or whatever they're called, but I don't want to spend $200 to be ridiculed. That already happens to me free of charge. Thanks to my girlfriend.

- Sports Jerseys - I wear my Nike Throwback 1995 Eddie George jersey every football Saturday, but I'm concerned that one birthday it's just going to become uncool for me to wear it. Like overnight the grown-up fairy flies in through my window, taps me wither her magic wand, and presto, i suck at life and am not allowed to wear a jersey anymore.

- Driving a cool car - Still hasn't happened to me, but it has to before kids come along and ruin my life . You'll never have a chance to have a cool car again until they all leave your house. Then it's seen as 1) mid-life crisis and 2) you have a tiny penis/impotence. I do not want either of those labels thank you. For example, what pops in to your head when you see a guy driving a [pussy-magnet yellow] Corvette? I rest my case.

- Not parting your hair - Every person that is at or above a certain age has a grown-up haircut/style. I do not want. Actually, I just want to keep my hair and not look like a dork

-Inappropriate jokes/remarks - This is the only thing I can think of that you are supposed to grow out of, but once you reach a 2nd point in your life it becomes acceptable again. Think about it, you can't get away with calling anything gay anymore without pissing someone off. Same goes for retarded. Some one's friend's uncle's cousin is that, and you are a prick because you are so goddamn insensitive. Let me make this clear: I don't dislike gay or retarded people. (Tim Hardaway"hates gay peoples" btw) Both are fine, I don't care what you do in your private life at all as long as it isn't part of NAMBLA's code of conduct. Anyway, you reach a certain point and all that shit is seriously frowned upon. But BANG! You turn like 60 or something and you can say whatever the fuck you want again!! SWEET VICTORY! Think back to your grandfather and the shit he said/says. My grandpa said some terrible stuff about everyone, and it was hilarious. I can't wait to be old just because of that. Dear future grandson, you better hope that you're not effeminate and are good at sports or you're going to hate my ass. You've been warned.

Things that were NEVER cool. EVER.

-Jorts

-Tim Tebow - see above

- Teva or similar sandals - you look retarded. Go save trees and eat granola somewhere else, hippie.

- Vince Carter - All he could do was dunk. Now that he has 2 shot knees what is he good for? And he plays for the magic, and that name and their unis = LAME(Go Cavs, big win last night)

Things that used to be cool and idiots ruined:

-Vampires - Vampires used to be all cool and scary and not gay at all. Now look at them. All effeminate and so on. Dear Mormon woman that wrote those Twilight books: Fuck You. You ruined Vampires. ("Twi-Tards" are another group of people I can't stand.)

-Jeans - Regular jeans are fine. But these embroidered designer jeans are so dumb looking. Even if your woman (or "guy friend") picked them out, there's no excuse for you not returning them or even think about wearing them. Negative man points if you wear them without being coerced by oral. And even then, everyone knows you accept oral and then still don't wear them. And skinny jeans??? What's the point. Jeans are supposed to be comfortable, not so tight they hurt your nuts. Don't get me started on the idiots that sag skinny jeans either.

-Being a man - A real man, not one of those faggy Twilight Vampires, Metrosexuals, etc. It's not cool to be a man's man anymore for some reason. If that's the case, I choose to remain uncool. Drinking beer, not shaving, watchigng any sport that is on TV at a given time and eating cheeseburgers or anything else I can char on my grill. That's my typical weekend, why has this become a crime?

Things I've been thinking about lately

I kid mt buddy Rob that the reason I don't do drugs(i.e. smoke the devil's lettuce) is that I don't need any help in the random/stupid ideas department. My brain works like no one else I know, meaning that I'm always zoning out, thinking about random stuff and inappropriate thoughts.

I've been thinking about taking an entire day and devoting it to my Facebook status. What do I mean? Well, that's easy. I want to post every single thing I do.

5:45 - Dave just hit snooze

5:55 - Dave just hit snooze again

6:05 - Fuck you blackberry, I'm awake.

6:10 - grinding coffee beans for the fresh coffee kick. fuck Folgers, whole bean is the way to go

6:20 - one cup down, time to take a shit

6:30 - still reading mens health on the toilet

6:35 - fuck reading I'm gonna play brickbreaker while i take a dump

6:38 - wiping

6:39 - wiping again

6:45 - shower, mostly scratching balls with soap

6:50 - getting dressed, but mostly watching sportcenter

I think you get the idea. I'll admit, I update my Facebook status entirely too much. For this I blame Facebook for Blackberry. But what I do not do is update it with every little thing like some people. Or put what I call the "feel sorry for me" post on there. Here's an example of that "bla bla bla my bf/gf dumped me, I hate my life, no one will ever love me again :( :( :( "

They didn't love you in the first place, shut the hell up and stop being an attention whore. The only reason people post shit like this is so that people will be all like "OMG WHAT A JERK!!!" and "DON'T WORRY, WE STILL LUV U! LOL!". Idiots.

And another thing "LOL" is stupid, but not as stupid as "LMAO" of the infamous "ROFL". I have never rolled on the floor laughing... while sober. Stop lying and stop contributing to your friend's feel sorry for me moment.

Am i just an asshole? At the age of 26 am I out of touch? I'd like to think it's just because I'm not a complete moron. The next generation is so fucked. We better fix all the problems that we have NOW because these tards are useless.

Speaking of useless - TWITTER. Really, you tweet? Why? Do you have Facebook? What's the point of having both?

Someone told me you could link your Twitter account to your Facebook account and that somehow made sense to them. Why would I need two things to perform the same function? Actually, Twitter isn't even on the same level. It's like pulling out your Facebook status and making it one singular application. It's retarded.

I understand twitter if your what I would consider to be an important person, or in the media, etc. If you actually have important things to say then knock yourself out. But people like you and me do not need twitter. Nothing we do is that cool or important that other people need to follow us. That's another thing wrong with the next generation, they think they're the most interesting and important people in the world when in all reality they haven't nor will they ever do anything productive. We better cure cancer and AIDS now, because these jackoffs have to tweet something real quick.

8:31 - finish blog post, need to dump again.

Fuck it. I'm out.

-Dave

Long Time no.... type?

Hey everyone that has read my blog before(read: my mom) the most wonderful time of the year is in full swing. That's right, College football!! Now, I know I'm a couple(4) weeks late but things have been a bit crazy in the 310 lately, work has kept me pretty busy. That's not a complaint, trust me, because in my line of work time definitely equals money.

Back to the task at hand: College Football. There have been a couple surprises, a couple things we shoulda seen coming, etc. Here are my thoughts, however unorganized they may be. Let me start with my favorite team, my Alma Mater, THE Ohio State University.(Yes, the "THE" is important.)

1. The more I think about that USC game, which I flew back to Columbus just to be on campus for, the more I know we should have won. - Let that soak in, I'm sure some, if not most people would agree with that statement. I'll say it again, Ohio State SHOULD have won that game. The Trojans are NOT who we thought they were (Dennis Green, Anyone? Bueller?). Gone, for now, are the days of putting up points on any team they want to destroy at will. The Matt "douche-face" Barkley era is upon us, which means it's time to hand the ball off for 2.5 quarters and then when the other team is a little tired maybe try throwing the ball. Ohio State kept USC's lack of offense in check for the entire game except that last drive. OSU defense played well the entire game, until they allowed Joe "Bum Beard" McKnight to scamper for a first down on a third and very long. From there is was all down hill.

Say what you want about Jim Tressel's play calling but part of you had to agree with him when he decided to put the game in the hands of our very capable defense. Sure, we could have done this or that but our D is solid, solid as a rock. Calls for coach's job are VERY premature at this point in my humble yet superior opinion.

My feelings about this game in particular are not helped out by the fact that Washington went out and beat the Trojans the very next week. Salt meet Wound.

2. How bout that Defense?! - Aside from the Navy game, Ohio State's defense has looked STACKED. Hold USC under 20pts, check. Shut out Toledo, check. Make Juice Williams look like a fool, DOUBLE CHECK. Back to back shut-outs, no matter who you play, is something to write home about.

Can they make it three in a row this weekend?

3. Shut up about play calling - That's all I'm gonna say about that for now.

4. T. Pryor - Still has some things to work on, isn't quite the return of Christ, but he's got a nice 3 game stretch here to work out the kinks, providing the right plays are called. I am interested in seeing what takes place between now and the month of November.

Big Ten Team Notes

6. Penn State - Iowa made Daryl Clark look like Juice Williams on a terrible night. All that revenge talk was bogus. Penn State could very easily be the 4th best team in the big ten, although, i still think they beat Michigan's lack of Defense all damn day. All I want to make sure of now is that Jim Tressel has a copy of this game tape. If not, I will send him what I DVR'd.

7. One more thought on this Penn State team: Apparently playing Syracuse, AkROWDY and The Mighty Owls of Temple as a warm up doesn't prepare you to play football against legit competition. Who knew? Seems to be a trend here....

8. Iowa - Good/possibly great defense. Offense, jury is still out. Plain and simple, they made Penn State look like Northwestern. No offense to Northwestern.

9. scUM - I'll give it to them that the offense looks much better than last year. However, how do you let Indiana, no matter how much the have improved, drop those kind of points on you? Shouldn't that be embarrassing? My second point about that game is that there was an obvious bad call that kept this from getting very interesting at the end.

10. scUM 2.0 - Sure, they're undefeated but they played "Directional Michigan" twice, Notre Lame(sucks) and now Indiana. Tough Slate, yawn. The real tests are straight ahead.

Teams outside of the Big Ten


11. Cal - You made me look and feel like a fool. My follow up question for Cal is since they've already dropped their annual WTF game, can they come out and beat an offensively anemic USC team this weekend at home? I'm up in the air on this. On one hand, it would be nice to see someone besides USC win the pac 10 and have all their super homer fair-weather fans that live next to me STFU, but on the other hand another USC loss makes the Buckeyes look progressively worse. Sigh...

12. Was that the oregon team that was on cover of SI before the season started? They've come a Long way since looking 2 steps too slow against Boise on that awful blue field.

13. Notre Dame Still sucks - Yay you beat Nevada! Needed Michigan State to turn the ball over to win that game, got beat by the Michigan Fightin' TaiNt Forciers and then had to score a TD to beat Purdue in the final minute last week. Charlie Cheeseburger is about to get PAID to sit at home next season.

So we're at about the 1/4 mark of the season, most teams have 8 or 9 games left to play. This season should shape up to be very interesting as the Month of November and December will be very entertaining.

I'm not going to make any bold predictions though, I don't want to jinx anything just yet...

Earthquake weather and other bus conversations

The bus ride to and from work generally has some sort of entertaining conversations that I can listen to. For all of you that don't know me, I am a people watcher and a chronic eavesdropper. Public settings in general are the best places to do this, but I have found that public transportation is the best because you have a captive audience. Yesterday may have been my best session ever.

It actually rained yesterday. I know, right? Los Angeles doesn't see much rain, and when it does it's typically not in the summer months. From my memory it's around January and February that most of the rain fall occurs. So the fact that it rained yesterday made things even more interesting. The world as Angelenos know it halts at the slightest hint of rain. People that are already bad drivers become even worse drivers, people that wear coats year round are colder, and people that have lived in California their whole lives generally lose their mind.

There are a lot of people in Southern California that did not spend the majority of their lives here, myself being included. We generally have a (much) higher tolerance for what we call "weather". We grew up with rain, snow, hail, ice storms, etc. So when things drop below anything less than ideal we can manage. People that are born and raised in Southern California freak the fuck out, but this is besides the point, back to the topic at hand... my eavesdropping habit.

So I am on the bus and on my way home. It's sprinkling just a bit, people are walking around downtown with giant golf umbrellas like we're in the middle of a legitimate storm. First off, it takes forever to get out of downtown and on to the 110 normally, but today since it's "raining" it takes even longer". I'm standing up because the bus is full, but luckily I am near one of the more "entertaining" regulars on my bus. She's a 30+ year old black woman, no idea what her name is but she has some interesting personality traits, most of which make me think she's acting because of how exaggerated they are, but I digress. She's talking with a couple of other women that she knows and calls by name about the weather and how "it's pouring" which makes me laugh, just a little bit, to myself.

They're talking for almost the entire ride home about this and that, nothing that I recall or would be worth mentioning but I know the topic sticks to weather because of what she said next:"Oh my God, it's so humid.(note: she has no idea what real humidity is until she's in Columbus, OH during the 4th of July). It's like earthquake weather." Earthquake weather?? Huh? I didn't believe what she had just said but she kept repeating it in different ways but the phrase "earthquake weather" still was uttered multiple times in a few minutes time.

Now, I thought at first, maybe being from Ohio and not knowing a whole lot about earthquakes there might be something to this woman's statement. But the more I thought about it the more absurd it became. I was sure that humidity had nothing to do with the chances of there being an earthquake. Just to be sure I googeled it, and I was right. This woman is a few bricks short.

This just proves my point again, people are stupid and should not be trusted.

Long time no..... type?

It's been a while, how've you been? What? You know, you're not supposed to really go in to that kind of detail. It's sort of a a rhetorical quest. Like when someone asks "how's it going?". You're not supposed to take the next twenty minutes of your day to tell them how much your life sucks. You say "OK, you?" and that's it. Done and..... done.

As for me I've been, we'll say "busy". Busy doing what? Good question. Just the usual work, gym, weekend thing that my life has become.(don't get older kids, stay here as long as you can) It's alright though, I could have it way worse. It seems like that if you listen and/or watch the news then you might start to think that everyone but you is out of a job, and having one has become almost a luxury. Times sure have changed haven't they? I'm glad we started this entry off on a positive not, aren't you?(yes, yes you are)

Random things I've been thinking about:

- Why is everyone else on the road and asshole and terrible driver/person but me? I'm serious. Apparently turn signals really mean "hurry up and pass me, but by all means do not let me over". To make it worse the same ass-hat that passed you will then turn their blinker on because they want YOU to let THEM over. Just face it, we live in a world full of self-absorbed idiots.

-Ugg boots, short shorts and a sweat shirt? Really California? Really?! I'm not going to go into how much sense this doesn't make. I could talk about that for hours. I will tell you how ugly/stupid it looks though.

-When I'm looking for a parking spot at a shopping center or busy store I sit and the entrance to the aisle and wait for someone to leave, thus blocking other people from coming in behind me and also preventing me from driving in circles and getting frustrated by not being able to find a G-D place to park. Seems like an easy enough concept, right? It is until there are a line of idiots behind you with their blinkers on trying to go down the aisle you're blocking and honking their horns.

-Why does it take the same amount of time to receive a regular cup of coffee from Starbucks as it does to order a $6 sugar infused mixed drink "coffee" cluster F? All I want is a regular coffee, Black, no cream, no sugar, no waiting.

-Are things that people do to "go green" really working? Or is it just BS? I recycle paper, plastic and aluminum which pretty much adds up to a lot of beer bottles and cans. I don't use plastic bags, I get paper bags and use then for recycling where they also get recycled. My point is, stop jamming this other crappy ideas down my throat. Besides, these people are all hypocrites. Just the other day I was driving home from the park and ride(Yes, I take public transit. Just another way I am saving the earth) when I saw a woman driving a Prius (one of the 10 million in California) throw her candy wrapper out the window. SHE LITTERED!!! You lose at the game of life.

-Head phones were invented so that you could listen to your music or whatever in privacy. Please stop misusing this great invention by blasting them so loud that I can clearly hear your terrible music. Also: just because we can't hear your music(ideally) doesn't mean we can't hear you [attempt] to sing. Shut up already.

-Dear idiots that call in to sports radio shows: "[other team name here] sucks" is not a valid or logical argument. I realize that you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer but come on. Just because you don't know anything about another team doesn't mean that your team is better than theirs. Besides, Pau Gasol looks like the "fish guy" in "The Empire Strikes Back".

Also, USC is a good team, we get it. But you can barely spell "USC" couldn't get in and if you did you sure as shit couldn't afford to go there. Please, ignorant morons, shut the hell up. LA is not the center of the universe If it were; where you lived would be bulldozed and/or blown up with mass quantities of dynamite and most likely no one would tell you because they don't care and want you to cease to exist (aka die).

Until next time, I'm out.

American Idol:Public Enemy Number 1

I hate American Idol. There, I said it. I really hate that show. It’s been going on for far too long and more importantly it’s what is really wrong with America. I won’t go as far as to say that it’s all reality shows that are to blame, but we sure do have a lot of them.

It started with The Real World, on MTV, a Show that I still somewhat enjoy watching. At least it’s the original right? But even this has gotten predictable. The formula is pretty much the same every show. There are 7 people of a mix of different races; one is perceived as naive or inexperienced and from a small town or conservative background, one is the party girl, party boy, gay person, opinionated judgmental girl, normal/boring guy, and then the person with anger/drug/family issues. There are a couple variations to that formula but I think my description is fairly accurate. The Real World pretty much created this genre of television and also went un-imitated and un-expanded upon for quite some time. And then came Survivor, which was fairly successful for the first 2 or 3 years and has dropped off. Then Big Brother, then the amazing race and then “Who Wants a Shot at VD: Bus Tour” and so on. (OK, so I made that last one up big deal. It’s a combination of a couple of shows out there right now)

Now it seems like all that is out there to watch on TV besides my beloved sports are “reality” shows. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why there are so many reality shows on TV; they’re far cheaper to produce than scripted television and the economy is in the crapper right now. NBC will soon be moving Jay Leno to the 10pm time slot, Monday through Friday thus replacing 5 1-hour scripted television series and saving the network millions of dollars even when they pay Jay an obscene amount. Now take out Jay Leno from this equation and put in a bunch of no-names that want to be famous that you don’t have to pay much if anything and you have a great formula for profitability. Throw on top of that the advertising revenue these shows generate because of the number ofpeople that watch and now you’re really cooking with gas. (Who says that? My mom, that’s who) I understand the economics of the situation, it’s not hard to understand, but this has got to stop. I can’t take it anymore. Why won’t these shows just die? Not only are they lacking in entertainment quality but they are ruining the country in which I live. The main perpetrator is American Idol.

American Idol has been on for 8 season now, which is increasingly hard to believe. Every year we have to deal with Fox shoving this show down our throats, giving Randy Jackson a chance to remind us that he is indeed black (How many times do you have to insert “dawg” in to a sentence, Randy?) and all of the “contestants” that sign up to embarrass themselves on National TV. (Don’t get me wrong here, I love seeing people make asses out of themselves.)Are some of these people good singers? Yes. Are some of them more talented than people that already have record deals? Absolutely. Do they have star quality and relevance? In most cases, no they do not. But that isn’t the problem I have with American Idol. My problem with this show is that it gives countless untalented dolts a tiny ray of hope that they can be just like what’s his face that won last year or the year earlier. All they have to do is audition, show us all how great they are and win their recording contract with whatever record label that sponsors the show. Done and done, you’re famous now. You don’t have to go back to working at Waffle House tomorrow, you’ve made it!

Wait, what now? That doesn’t happen. Only one person can win and that legitimately has talent and in most cases some sort of “star quality”. All that American Idol does is install a false sense of hope in these people. They see the show as a way out of their current lives and they treat is as a ladder in which they can ascend in to celebrity, leaving behind their grease-stained aprons and hair nets. Instead of just trying to better themselves, maybe getting an education and a “good job” they hold on to this false hope that they can be like whoever it is that won last year and be a millionaire. In many ways American Idol is worse than the lottery. I know plenty of people that have good jobs, family life, etc but will still plunk down a couple bucks a week on a lottery ticket.(I do it sometimes too. It’s, in a way, fun.) Do they really think they’ll win? Nope. Do they stop working at perfecting their craft? Again I say, no. No they don’t. How many contestants on American Idol can say this? Not many. They truly believe that they are the next big thing and this is why they’ve been put on this planet. (I would argue that they’re just here to annoy me, but it gives me something to write about. So, thanks?) Putting all of their “eggs” in the American Idol “basket” is just like someone quitting their job to play the lottery professionally.

Let’s not forget that a good percentage of past winners have gone on to have their contracts rescinded and have had to go back to the life that they previously left because no one really wants to listen to the pseudo-pop “music” that most of them put out. (I’m looking at you Clay Aiken and Company) The most successful American Idol winner would probably be Kelly Clarkson and let’s be honest here, do you know anyone that’s actually seen her in concert or paid for some of her music? I sure don’t.

Is hope for a better life a bad thing? In most cases I would say no. If you’re out there working towards your goal of becoming the sales leader for your company, getting that promotion, or earning partnership in a law firm it’s not a bad thing, it’s a great and admirable thing. Hell, hope has even gotten someone elected president. (I will reserve judgment until a later time, President Obama) Hope for the future is a great thing to have and a terrible thing not to have. Some would go as far as saying that if you don’t have hope for the future then it’s not really a life worth living, but isn’t have a false hope worse? Having hope is different than having goals. It’s a popular phrase in the business world that “hope is not a strategy”. Hope is hope, nothing more and nothing less.

This is why I urge you to stop watching American Idol. American Idol stands for what is wrong with this country; people who continue to cling to a [false] hope and do nothing to take action and be accountable for their lives and actions. In many ways American Idol is like the financial bail out that never materializes, or another stimulus package that does no good. So please, I’m literally begging you here, stop watching American Idol so people can start living in the real world and stop annoying all of us.

I think I have a solution on how to get by in this economy: Crap out 14 kids and just kind of hang out on Govt. Assistance

Let's say that you are in school for a master's degree in whatever it is that you would want, for argument's sake we'll say Psychology.(because we all know a bachelors in psych is worthless)You are in your 30's, single, unemployed/living off student loans and already have 6 kids, but yet part of you still feels empty inside because your husband/wife/love/f-buddy left you and your 6 kids. What do you think the next logical step is? Set up a profile on some online dating sight, focus on school, maybe try to meet a new person of romantic interest? If you said yes to any of those options you are an idiot. The correct answer is: Crap out 8 more kids!

I know what you're thinking. Crapping out 8 more kids to bring your total to 14 is the exact wrong thing to do especially when you're unemployed. Hell having 14 kids is stupid even if you have a decent job. I'll go one step further: it's stupid even if you're a multi-millionaire. 14, that's 3 more bodies than are recquired to have a football team.

What's even more puzzling is how this woman got the money to spend on artificial insemination, fertility treatments, etc when she's still a student living off of loans and has 6 mouths to feed. What part of her brain says that this is a good idea? Clearly she is not sane.

"But she's so lonely, she had a void to fill in her heart. What's this poor woman to do?" Well it starts by not having 8 more kids. Plenty of people are lonely, do you know what they do? Buy cats,dogs, gold fish, reptiles to have as a pet and companion. I have a Black Lab, he's a great companion and far less expensive option than 14 kids. (Woody cost me $300, is a pure bread black lab and maybe if you average it out another 60 dollars per month for food, toys and vet bills over the year. He is way cheaper than even 1 kid.) This woman is clearly insane. I would like her to be psychologically tested for her children's benefit.

In all fairness her "plan" is to graduate with her masters degree soon where she thinks she will be able to provide for her super family. How much money does she think a master's degree guarantees her annually? Does she think she's walking in to an easy quarter million dollars plus a year or something? I think even if she made that she's be strapped for cash with how much it coast to feed, clothe and provide shelter for that many people. Take the budget for a family of 4 and multiply that by about 3.5, how crazy is she?

At the end of the day she knows she's not going to have to pay for it alone. There are plenty of suckers out there who will "donate" money to her via her website(which I will not link because I won't support her cause and some how justify her existence) and there are also plenty of other suckers out there called "California tax payer". Yep, that's right. We're all the unsuspecting victim of this woman's lunacy. We're footing the bill for her twisted little brain. In state where we are already not getting tax refunds for this year at a minimum (they're IOU's, there just as good as cash!), and the state budget is seriously backwards how dare this woman leave us with the bill for her choices? It was her choice to have 6 children already. It was her choice to have 8 more when doctors told her that it would be unsafe to do so. It is her choice to put herself in this situation. She should pay for it, not me and not you.

Let's not forget the children here. (Won't somebody please think of the children?!!?) The reality for these children is that they are at a disadvantage already in their young fragile lives. Because of their extremely low birth weights they are more likely to suffer from life threatening conditions that, if they survive, will cause a need for specialized and very expensive care from medical professionals. Also, they will have this deranged woman as a mother to share with 13 other siblings all jockeying for her love and attention. They are getting the short end of the stick. It's only my guess, and it's sad thing to think of, but they will most likely end up in foster care for most of their lives and have no sense of what a family truly is. That is no way to go through life. Wondering why you are here and if any one really cares.

While I don't agree with the threats she is receiving and would never condone threatening her life, she has asked for this in a way. She craves the attention which is why she insisted on keeping all 8 embryos inside of her uterus. She wanted to be on the news(nationally, if not across the world). She wanted recognition for being such a "great" woman and mother. She's getting what she wanted, attention and we're getting to pick up the cost of her 15 minutes of fame.

- Just in this morning: The same doctor that administered fertility procedures to this mother of 14 has another patient that is expecting 4, is also unemployed and is 49 years old. This idiot should lose his medical license and practice.

We are surrounded by idiots.

A Field Guide to People(stereotypes) in LA

Much like Facebook, I also have a love/hate relationship with the city(read: Metro Area) in which Live: Sunny(OK, smoggy) Los Angeles, California. A Place full of swimming pools, surfers and wannabe celebrities.

Now don't get me wrong here. I don't lump all of "you people" in to those three categories, but trust me, I do categorize you. Every demographic and ethnicity has a stereotype. Some, if not most, are hilarious. Some can be spot on. Hell, I'm from Ohio. What do you think people imagine when I tell them I am from the great stat of Ohio? Answer: a farmer that drives a fucking pickup truck and loves country music. If you said yes to any of those three, congratulations. You just failed. I am not from the country, didn't grow up on a farm or drive a pick up truck and I DETEST country "music". And furthermore I am from Columbus, the state's capital. A city just under the population of San Francisco in national rankings.

In a city composed of so many people from so many different places around the country, world and sometimes I think the universe, LA is chalked full of stereotyping goodness. Here are some of my favorites to see when I partake in one of my preferred past times; people watching.

1. The Recently divorced 40-something woman: Ever seen doctor 90210? Chances are you've seen this specimen then. She can be spotted by the obvious markings of recent plastic surgery and the need to "let you know about it". Decked out in the trendiest of clothing, fake boobs out to here, fakely plumped lips and no crows feet. The recently divorced 40-something woman is one of the most common sightings in LA. Some say that you can spot these miles away by the size of the silicone they're sporting.

2. Rich old guy that is now dating a woman his grand daughter's age - Former CEO of a company or owner of a business that was previously married to the same woman for 25 or 30 years. He got stinking rich, got divorced and lost half of his money in the process. (Isn't our legal system grand!?) This specimen can be categorized by the recent hair plugs, super expensive sports car, excessive spray tan, and the need to wear his shirt half unbuttoned so you can see his cheesy gold chains. This creatures mating call sounds similar to "cha ching" and by does it ever draw the attention of out next subject.

3. The Gold Digger - This one is a true hunter, of green. Loves the smell, color and sound of money. Loves it even more if you just give it to her in exchange for her, um, company. More commonly she is blond, may also have fake boobs like her predecessor, the recently divorced 40 year old woman and can be seen driving her sugar daddy's Mercedes AMG convertible while shopping all day with his amex black card. Other markings include: huge sunglasses, 4 ct diamond ring(a gift) and the latest designer clothes.

4. The Douchebag - We all know these guys. Think "yuppie on steroids" and that's when you know you're dealing with a real bona-fide doucher. Recently whitened teeth, expensive suits, loafers without socks and a Porsche carrera of boxster(not the 911 or other "real Porsches"). This guy is in his late 20's to early 30's and is really just starting to "kill it" at his sweet job. Not only is work going well, he really wants you to know about it. This creature can be spotted frequently name dropping about his Breitling watch, Gucci shoes, etc. Latin name: Douchus Maxiumus.

5. The Faker - This one just got a job with a company downtown making decent money. This is their first "real job". What makes this person different from you or I is that they see themselves as being better than your average recent college graduate. For example, you might drive the same car you had in college. (I do, it still runs fine. Do I want a new car? Of course I do, but I don't really need it. )But this person went out a few months ago and decided to get the least expensive lease possible on a BMW 328(waste, 335 is so much better/faster) just so they could be seen in and tell you that they have a BMW and you do not. In reality this person has no business driving a BMW but in LA it's all about image and perception. We all know this person.

6. Surfer/Skater - I don't hate people that do this. But when I see someone that has that look I just think they smoke a lot of pot and surf/skate all day. More power to them.

7. Aspiring actor/musician/etc - "I moved here to catch my big break! I'm gonna make all my wildest dreams come true!!!". That's good for you, a lot of famous people have that same story of how they started out with $50 and somehow got "discovered" while they were on their way to buy a grey hound ticket back to Nebraska. However, even more people that aren't famous and will never be have that same idea. There are only so many jobs in entertainment, just like any other field. The difference is, there are a heck of a lot more jobs out there for us normal people who don't want to be in movies. It's OK though, someone has to wait tables until they're 60, so why not them? Check Please!

8. "Locals only" Guy - This guy went to the high school in the town you currently reside. He may of may not have went to college, but that's not the point. At some point he failed at the game we call life and is now living in his parent's house.(Back home these people are basement dwellers, but there aren't really basements in Southern California so they just live in their old room) You'll run in to this person at the local shit hole bar(Fuck you, Shellback. I fucking hate that place. But I digress...). He's the guy(actually there will be a group of these turds) that gives you and your buddies crap and pulls the age old "locals only!!" card. Tool. Years later he will receive an inheritance from his parents and become the old weird guy that nobody likes because he doesn't do shit.


9. Immigrants - Legal or not they are here from all over the place. They. Are. Everywhere. Now I don't despise immigrants like some people do. They're just here to work, whatever. But man, there sure are a lot of them and none of them can drive or speak english.

10. Person that isn't from California - Me. It's cold, there aren't as many jobs, etc where we're from. SO we moved here. We like to get messed up at 9am on Football Saturdays because that's when our team plays and that's the name of the game. We say you can't locals can't drive for shit and everything else that is wrong with the area, but we're here and we're not leaving. We miss home, but not the weather and that's what keeps a lot of us "out here".

Like anywhere else in the country, you have to take the good(weather) with the bad(people). Oh well, that's the way it goes.

Lunch FAIL

I eat lean cuisine's almost daily because they are cheap and don't taste too terribly most of the time. I know which ones I like and which ones generally suck. Today however I went to the fridge at work, took out my lunch and prepared to microwave it. This is what I saw:

That was supposed to be portebello chicken and wild rice. What's the pink stuff you ask? I'm not sure. Maybe it's the chicken or maybe it's the rice. Or even better yet, maybe it's the mysterious portebello that I'm sure is just the same kind of mushrooms you get on your pizza that come out of a can. Whatever it was, I was not eating it. F*** you Stoufer's.

Usually when this happens, and by "this" I mean Lunch Fail(crappy lunch, don't feel like eating lean cuisine, forgot/didn't have time to go to store) I usually go to the food court across the street from my office(yeah, I have a real job in an office downtown. Grown up stuff) and after almost no deliberation I end up at Quizno's . Let me just add this, I don't even like Quizno's all that much. It's mediocre at best. I always have high hopes when I go there though. On the commercials the sandwiches look so damn good but in real life, not so much. The question you have to ask yourself here is why do I even bother going to Quizno's if I really don't like it? Well, if I knew the answer to that then I wouldn't be going there would I?

Today I did break the Quizno's chain by going to some salad/wrap place. That wasn't spectacular either.... back to Quizno's for me.

-Side note: It's 75 degrees(or close to it) in downtown LA today. Yet when I walk to the food court I go through this plaza where people routinely sit out in the sun on their lunch hours and what do I see? Some idiot woman wearing a wool winter coat and warm looking boots. It's 75, you don't need all that shit. Some people....

25 random things chain and other Facebook abnormalities

Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. I like it because It's a good way to stay in touch with people since I live approximately 2500 miles away from my birth place and home town, I can see what people are up to, look at their pictures, make fun of their misfortunes, etc. But a lot of the stuff on there is just too much for me. I get a lot of what used to be chain e-mails back in the day but are now chain memos, postings or whatever they want to call them. ( side note: Another thing that I just learned about if text message chains. My sister told me about it over IM today.(side note to previous side note: that's how we talk, and we only talk about randomness.) I've only received a few of them, but apparently it's very popular. I think that the only reason that I don't get them is because I'm more removed from High School than she is because this is her 2nd year of "freedom".)

We all remember the infamous chain e-mail from our high school days. "You better fill this shit out and send it off to 7 or more of your friends because if you don't you'll go blind, your genitals will fall off/close for business forever and your new puppy will die of AIDS". Does that jog your memory? God, that really brings me back to the late 1990's/early 2000's a time when all that shit was serious business (like the Internet, Dever). Now it's not quite so serious, at least to me. However, I have noticed that a lot of my friends on Facebook have been bitten by this bug and chose to pass on it's disease while telling me 25 "random" things about them in hopes that I too will fall for the trick. In the words of Lee Corso "not so fast, my (Facebook) friend".

If you want to know 25 random things about me, just ask. I probably have one of the most random minds and lives of people you'll ever meet. I'm not a "one-upper"(Farva, I'm looking at you buddy) but I'm pretty confident that I can match if not top your 25 most random facts if I really wanted to. They may not be as cool as your facts, but they will probably be more random. I've had a lot of crappy jobs in my short lifetime, been to a lot of weird places and have definitely met my fair share of weirdos. Now, my stories aren't Tucker Max random, I don't think anyone's are, but they are random none the less.

My point is(well, one of them), I do and I don't like the impersonal nature of Facebook. It's one or more levels down from texting or BB messaging(which I admit, I use frequently). If you want to tell somebody something, just tell them. If you want me to tell you random things about me, just ask me and I'll tell you if I want to. But if you think I feel obligated to tell you things because you toldme and 24 other people via a Facebook memo, then you sir/madam are sadly mistaken.

Other things that I don't want you to send me via Facebook or any other methods include:

-Vampires vs. Zombies or any other Nerd/Goth kid thing - Simply put: not interested. I don't fall under either one of those groups.

-An Invitation to your "cause" - If I cared I would already be a member. Just because you think No Child Left Behind (or whatever else) is a good idea it doesn't mean that I agree and it doesn't make you right either.

-"We're Related" - Most people already know we're related, or maybe I don't want them to know(kidding?) that we are. the point is, it's unnecessary.

-"XYZ has sent you a drink!" - I like drinks, especially free ones. But these are not real drinks and I do not drink apple martinis. You also could have slipped something in my drink too and I don't want to wake up next to you tomorrow morning. I'll pass, thank you.

- "Little Green Patch" - Seriously? Adding something to your Facebook profile does not help save the earth. I'm not exactly sure, but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that it actually hurts the Earth. There, are you happy now? You're killing my planet! Now get back in your Prius and kindly fuck off.

Am I missing anything here?

I would like to conclude by telling everyone 25 UNrandom things about myself.

1. I am a guy
2. I am white.
3. I wear shoes
4. I wear socks when I wear shoes
5. I also wear pants
6. I wear a belt to hold up said pants
7. My dog is black
8. I live on Earth
9. I eat food
10. I drink water
11. Me being white = my family members are also white
12. I live in a house
13. My house has at least 1 toilet
14. My house also has at least 1 bedroom
15. My bedroom has a bed in it
16. I sleep in the bed that is in my bed room
17. Sometimes I cover up with blankets
18. Sometimes I do not cover up with blankets
19. I use the restroom when needed
20. I have a job
21. my job pays me every two weeks
22. I get mail delivered to my house
23. Sometimes i send mail FROM my house
24. Sometimes I listen to music
25.I have two hands that each have 4 fingers and one thumb.

Do you realize how absurd all of this is?!?!

-Dave

p.s. this is not meant to offend any of my friends or family. I'm just venting. Please don't take it personally.

A Look at the New Stimulus Plan

To really understand this post you're probably going to have to read this post first. If you don't want to read it, I don't blame you. It's kind of long and boring. It basically outlines what the Republicans think is wasteful in the new stimulus plan issued by our new president, old what's his name. (kidding) I don't really consider myself a Democrat or a Republican. Some of this makes sense, some of it doesn't. Here's what I think(like you care).

- $246 million dollar "tax break" for Hollywood producers for motion picture film - Really? You have go to be fucking kidding me. Why should the government care about this or get involved? It's probably just going to people that make porn anyways..

- $88 million for the Coast Guard to design a new Ice Cutter - Ummm, aren't the polar ice caps melting? WTF do we need a boat that's designed to cut through ice for it there won't be any fucking ice left?!?! Does anyone else see how dumb this is? Am I the only person that's sane?

- $448 million for a new building/HQ for The Dept. of Homeland security. I don't really have a problem with that, expensive building, but kind of important. However, $248 million to furnish said building is ludicrous. That's a lot of lay-z-boys if you ask me.

- $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees - Hybrid vehicles are a sham. Look it up. The impact on the environment to create these vehicles is horrendous, not to mention what happens when you have to dispose of the batteries. Bio-Diesel and Clean Diesel are the way of the future, we just need someone to kill this Ethanol BS for this to set in and become a reality.

- $400 for the CDC to screen and prevent STDs - I don't think tax dollars should rescue for being a dirty bird and getting herpes, the clap, etc. AIDs and HIV are one thing, but herpes and everything else? How bout we try to cure cancer, people.

- $125 million for Washington DC sewer system - that should be paid by local government and taxes, not the federal government and the rest of us. That's Garbage.

-$200 million for public computers at community colleges - No. I shouldn't have to pay for you to use a computer, just like you shouldn't have to pay me to do the same. And secondly, if you want free access to a computer go to the library. College facilities should only be open to people that pay tuition, faculty and staff.

-$25 million for Tribal alcohol and drug abuse reduction - You're "sovereign". Deal with it.

-$10 million to inspect canals in urban areas - what canals?

-$1.2 BILLION for summer youth and job programs - I get it, get them off the street, keep them out of trouble and stop them from making bastard children that the welfare system will have to support for 18+ years. I understand that, but aren't we just creating more soon to be defunct government subsidized organizations?

- $850 million for Amtrak - For what?! See the above for my view on supporting defunct organizations that should be left to fail. Amtrak is a joke and it's a money pit. Let it die.

If you've done you're math, and assuming I've done mine correctly that 4.44 Billion (with a B) that's being spent on just those thing I listed above. That's a lot of money down the toilet if you ask me. I know it's not much when you consider that the stimulus package is around $900 billion. But if there is stuff like this in there, it makes me wonder where the rest of the money is going? How are my future tax dollars being spent? How does this benefit me or my country? I guess I just don't get it. Printing more money just to throw it all away. Auto and Bank bailouts, Stimulus plan, etc. It's all the same to me, waste.

New Bus Driver - Day 2

Usually I get up around 5:30 or 5:45 am during the work week. I take my dog for a quick walk, come back home, make breakfast, eat, shower and am out the Door sometime around 7:00 or 7:15 in the morning. Lately I've been struggling to get out of bed, hitting the snooze button on my blackberry alarm to as late as 6:20 in the morning. But It's alright because I don't have to be at work until 8:30, which means I can catch the 7:45 commuter express bus to downtown and still be at work 15 minutes early.

However, this week we have had a new bus driver. He doesn't quite know where all the stops are, doesn't show up on time, etc. When I say "doesn't quite know" I mean doesn't know at all. The 438 bus only makes a few stops in the morning, hence the "Express" portion of its' name. It makes one at USC on the 110, Washington and Figueroa, 7th and Figueroa where I get off and then on to places unknown to me. So yesterday morning the new guy completely missed the USC stop which didn't really bother me because I don't get off there. It did, as you can imagine peeve the people that missed their stop as a result, but fuck them, they go to SC. After he missed that stop, the first since picking me up at the park and ride, he then proceeded to stop at almost every stop on the way in to downtown, causing me to just make it in by 8:30. No big deal, I made it to work on time, and he's new. He's still learning, we've all been there and should understand.

Today though was a little bit different. Instead of missing the stop on the 110 for USC, he made a left off the freeway to USC's campus. This got everyone up in arms, as they were on the same bus yesterday and he had now screwed them two days in a row. But at least this time they could just walk across the street to get to campus and would only be thrown off a little bit. As soon as he took the wrong exit people started to talk on their cell phones to whoever would listen to them about this travesty. How dare this man mess with their morning commute?? It was his 2ND day on the job, and he just can't get it. What a jerk! OK, so I won't go that far. I'm giving the man the benefit of the doubt here. The thing these people didn't realize, or maybe just didn't care about is that the guy could clearly hear them calling him names and saying how much of a "disaster" this had all turned out to be. I felt for him, at least for a little.

So we're taking the long way in to downtown now, up Figueroa through downtown and through some rather undesirable areas of LA, but not the worst I had experienced. (I used to take the train through Watts. Now that's scary) He continues to stop at all the same incorrect places he had the previous day, angering my bus mates even further, hitting all the dips in the road making it difficult for those of us that had to stand and just generally having a rough morning. I finally make it to my stop, about 15 - 20 minutes late, get off the bus and arrive at work late.

I hate being late to anything, especially work. Hopefully tomorrow I can get myself out of bed so I can ride the 7:30 bus and not have to have this experience again this week. But knowing me I'll still hit the snooze button on my 'berry 3 or more times causing me to go through it all over again tomorrow, and then I'll be back on here saying how horrible it was and how wrong I was to be patient with him. I'll only have my self to blame, which makes it even worse because then I don't have anyone to be mad at.