A Field Guide to People(stereotypes) in LA

Much like Facebook, I also have a love/hate relationship with the city(read: Metro Area) in which Live: Sunny(OK, smoggy) Los Angeles, California. A Place full of swimming pools, surfers and wannabe celebrities.

Now don't get me wrong here. I don't lump all of "you people" in to those three categories, but trust me, I do categorize you. Every demographic and ethnicity has a stereotype. Some, if not most, are hilarious. Some can be spot on. Hell, I'm from Ohio. What do you think people imagine when I tell them I am from the great stat of Ohio? Answer: a farmer that drives a fucking pickup truck and loves country music. If you said yes to any of those three, congratulations. You just failed. I am not from the country, didn't grow up on a farm or drive a pick up truck and I DETEST country "music". And furthermore I am from Columbus, the state's capital. A city just under the population of San Francisco in national rankings.

In a city composed of so many people from so many different places around the country, world and sometimes I think the universe, LA is chalked full of stereotyping goodness. Here are some of my favorites to see when I partake in one of my preferred past times; people watching.

1. The Recently divorced 40-something woman: Ever seen doctor 90210? Chances are you've seen this specimen then. She can be spotted by the obvious markings of recent plastic surgery and the need to "let you know about it". Decked out in the trendiest of clothing, fake boobs out to here, fakely plumped lips and no crows feet. The recently divorced 40-something woman is one of the most common sightings in LA. Some say that you can spot these miles away by the size of the silicone they're sporting.

2. Rich old guy that is now dating a woman his grand daughter's age - Former CEO of a company or owner of a business that was previously married to the same woman for 25 or 30 years. He got stinking rich, got divorced and lost half of his money in the process. (Isn't our legal system grand!?) This specimen can be categorized by the recent hair plugs, super expensive sports car, excessive spray tan, and the need to wear his shirt half unbuttoned so you can see his cheesy gold chains. This creatures mating call sounds similar to "cha ching" and by does it ever draw the attention of out next subject.

3. The Gold Digger - This one is a true hunter, of green. Loves the smell, color and sound of money. Loves it even more if you just give it to her in exchange for her, um, company. More commonly she is blond, may also have fake boobs like her predecessor, the recently divorced 40 year old woman and can be seen driving her sugar daddy's Mercedes AMG convertible while shopping all day with his amex black card. Other markings include: huge sunglasses, 4 ct diamond ring(a gift) and the latest designer clothes.

4. The Douchebag - We all know these guys. Think "yuppie on steroids" and that's when you know you're dealing with a real bona-fide doucher. Recently whitened teeth, expensive suits, loafers without socks and a Porsche carrera of boxster(not the 911 or other "real Porsches"). This guy is in his late 20's to early 30's and is really just starting to "kill it" at his sweet job. Not only is work going well, he really wants you to know about it. This creature can be spotted frequently name dropping about his Breitling watch, Gucci shoes, etc. Latin name: Douchus Maxiumus.

5. The Faker - This one just got a job with a company downtown making decent money. This is their first "real job". What makes this person different from you or I is that they see themselves as being better than your average recent college graduate. For example, you might drive the same car you had in college. (I do, it still runs fine. Do I want a new car? Of course I do, but I don't really need it. )But this person went out a few months ago and decided to get the least expensive lease possible on a BMW 328(waste, 335 is so much better/faster) just so they could be seen in and tell you that they have a BMW and you do not. In reality this person has no business driving a BMW but in LA it's all about image and perception. We all know this person.

6. Surfer/Skater - I don't hate people that do this. But when I see someone that has that look I just think they smoke a lot of pot and surf/skate all day. More power to them.

7. Aspiring actor/musician/etc - "I moved here to catch my big break! I'm gonna make all my wildest dreams come true!!!". That's good for you, a lot of famous people have that same story of how they started out with $50 and somehow got "discovered" while they were on their way to buy a grey hound ticket back to Nebraska. However, even more people that aren't famous and will never be have that same idea. There are only so many jobs in entertainment, just like any other field. The difference is, there are a heck of a lot more jobs out there for us normal people who don't want to be in movies. It's OK though, someone has to wait tables until they're 60, so why not them? Check Please!

8. "Locals only" Guy - This guy went to the high school in the town you currently reside. He may of may not have went to college, but that's not the point. At some point he failed at the game we call life and is now living in his parent's house.(Back home these people are basement dwellers, but there aren't really basements in Southern California so they just live in their old room) You'll run in to this person at the local shit hole bar(Fuck you, Shellback. I fucking hate that place. But I digress...). He's the guy(actually there will be a group of these turds) that gives you and your buddies crap and pulls the age old "locals only!!" card. Tool. Years later he will receive an inheritance from his parents and become the old weird guy that nobody likes because he doesn't do shit.


9. Immigrants - Legal or not they are here from all over the place. They. Are. Everywhere. Now I don't despise immigrants like some people do. They're just here to work, whatever. But man, there sure are a lot of them and none of them can drive or speak english.

10. Person that isn't from California - Me. It's cold, there aren't as many jobs, etc where we're from. SO we moved here. We like to get messed up at 9am on Football Saturdays because that's when our team plays and that's the name of the game. We say you can't locals can't drive for shit and everything else that is wrong with the area, but we're here and we're not leaving. We miss home, but not the weather and that's what keeps a lot of us "out here".

Like anywhere else in the country, you have to take the good(weather) with the bad(people). Oh well, that's the way it goes.