That's right, fuck you, third grad teachers of America. Referring to one of the most bad-ass holidays ever as "Turkey Day" makes you sound like a tard. (Again, no offense to actual tards. You guys probably hate that phrase too.) You wouldn't say "Happy Jesus Day!" would you? No you wouldn't because that would actually be funny and original. Two things which you are not. You're the type of person that wears ugly Christmas sweaters because you actually like them, not because you are going to an ugly sweater party. I am thankful that I don't keep many people like you inside the circle of trust. You have all been kicked out. Probably many many years ago because I can't stand you and your stupid face.
But I guess I should be thankful for other things like girlfriend(hates when I call her that), family, the troops in all those hot sandy god-awful places, etc. I genuinely am thankful for all of those things. Here are some other things I am thankful for as we pause to let deep thoughts evolve in our ever expanding minds on this day before the day of giving thanks. (I also refuse to refer to the day before Thanksgiving as "Thanksgiving Eve". That's just making more stupid holidays up. I'm looking at YOU "sweetest day".)
- Cheetos - They're awesome, admit it.
-The Bevmo that opened up by my house this year - It's a glorious thing. For those of you that don't know what Bevmo is and have also never heard of Google either, Bevmo is like a supermarket dedicated to all this containing alcohol or that with be mixed or eaten in conjunction with alcohol. Whoever invented this was a genius.
- Not going to the night-before-Thanksgiving in your hometown bar gathering - Let me set you straight here, I am not happy that I won't be in Ohio for Thanksgiving. That's not my point at all. I'm just happy I won't have to hang out with douches that I went to the same high school roughly 10 years ago, pretend to like them, pretend to care what they're up to now, etc. I have, in the past, played the pretend caring card only to have it blow up in my face as a result of Jager shots. While I will miss pissing everyone off, I won't miss pretending to care that I like you. You probably call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day" anyway. Douche.
- The Rose Bowl - Finally an OSU game close by that isn't another home game for those USC D-Bags.
- A couple days off from work - No explanation needed.
- Spending the day AFTER Thanksgiving going to wineries and the Firestone brewery in Paso Robles and NOT SHOPPING - People that go shopping on "Black Friday" are idiots. Ever heard of amazon.com? 10 times better than walmart at 4am on a cold Friday in November waiting in line to buy the next thing your little brat will destroy in 2 months or forget about completely when the next big thing comes out.
The Holiday season is upon us, people. It's Scary. Try not to kill yourself or the guy next to you fighting for the same new xbox game that your kid wants too. Just remember to eat drink and drink some more. We can do this. We just have to be strong.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Pet Peave of the Day.
So I got up from my chair at my desk to take a leak. It's a pretty regular occurrence, I drink lots of water. The urinals are occupado and I will NOT violate the one urinal rule because I am a man of principle. I do the gentlemanly thing and walk towards and empty stall. I open the door and to my horror SOMEONE BLEW T UP AND DID NOT FLUSH!!!! WTF!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! To add insult to injury they left the ass gasket on the seat. Fuck it, I walked out.
What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.
What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Fuck Michigan
We got the "dubya". Michigan can suck my fucking dick. Back to the celebration... Go Bucks
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dad Takes Son to Hooters.... Bricks are Shat.
(In my best Jimmy, from South Park voice) "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?"
I hate when people get their shorts in a bunch over the stupidest little things. Big deal, this guy took his kids to Hooters(not a strip club?) to see what his reaction would be and to tell if it was time for "the talk". Good. It's better than more babies havin babies.
"Der Hooters is sexist" - You're a moron. Sure, wearing short shorts and flaunting your lady parts is going to get you bigger tips. Won't that happen at Chili's(suck) or TGIFriday's (double-suck)? You're only fooling yourself. These are the same people that will let their son play with barbies and wonder how he turned out to be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that) or a very effeminate "straight" guy who gets bullied by his wife and has his nuts in a vice.
Don't people have enough shit to worry about in their own lives that they don't have time to stick their noses in other people's business? Take care of your own problems. I read the comments, and most of the people are retarded(save for me or course pointing out sweet sweet irony) saying stuff like "how dare you?" and "messed up". Fuck them. Worry about your own kids.
This is what's wrong with America.
I hate when people get their shorts in a bunch over the stupidest little things. Big deal, this guy took his kids to Hooters(not a strip club?) to see what his reaction would be and to tell if it was time for "the talk". Good. It's better than more babies havin babies.
"Der Hooters is sexist" - You're a moron. Sure, wearing short shorts and flaunting your lady parts is going to get you bigger tips. Won't that happen at Chili's(suck) or TGIFriday's (double-suck)? You're only fooling yourself. These are the same people that will let their son play with barbies and wonder how he turned out to be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that) or a very effeminate "straight" guy who gets bullied by his wife and has his nuts in a vice.
Don't people have enough shit to worry about in their own lives that they don't have time to stick their noses in other people's business? Take care of your own problems. I read the comments, and most of the people are retarded(save for me or course pointing out sweet sweet irony) saying stuff like "how dare you?" and "messed up". Fuck them. Worry about your own kids.
This is what's wrong with America.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sports Commandments
I have returned from the top of the mountain and have returned with these 15.. *crash* TEN Commandments of sports fandom. Actually, there might be more than 10 if I can think of them(nope, just 10). The number really isn't all that important, all that matters is that you follow them. Blindly follow even. I'm a HUGE sports fan. Most of my friends fall under the same category. We all know there are certain unwritten and sometimes even unspoken rules that all fans should obey. Here's my list.
1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.
2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.
3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.
4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".
5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".
6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.
7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.
8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.
Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious
9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.
10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.
1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.
2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.
3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.
4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".
5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".
6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.
7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.
8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.
Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.
10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.
Finally, the weekend.
Luckily for me, I didn't have to show up to the office today. Being a sales rep means I get to go all over the damn place and spend a lot of time sitting in LA traffic cursing my existence. Today wasn't all that bad though, I went to a mini-convention maybe 3 miles from my house which means instead of waking up at 5:45 and starting my routine, which you have all seen(and by" you" I mean Ski, my mom, and my sister) I got to sleep til damn near 7. That's a fucking accomplishment. How sad my life has become.
3 or 4 years ago waking up at 7 was not a possibility unless it was a football Saturday and I had important business[drinking] to attend to. I used to sleep til 10 at a minimum to make it to my noon class, and even then there was no guarantee I would make it, which would explain why I was constantly on academic probation from the fine establishment also known as Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity. Now if I sleep til 7 or 7:30 I wake up and feel like I've slept til noon. It's fucked up. What's going on with my body and my brain? Even if I try to sleep in my body naturally wakes me up thus shooting all chances of sleeping in squarely in the ass.
Anyway, let's get back on topic: me not being in the office today. So being out of the office let's me avoid one thing I hate; STANDARD OFFICE SMALL TALK. You probably know what I mean by this. You can almost tell what certain people you work with are going to say to you in the morning just by what day it is.
Monday - Standard Questions: How was your weekend? Did your team win? etc. Standard Statements. My weekend was good, TOO SHORT THOUGH ROFL!!!! My team won or lost goddammit they suck balls. I can't wait til Friday. My life sucks. I need more coffee to handle this shit, etc.
Tuesday - HEY, at least it's not Monday!! LOL HIGH FIVE!
Wednesday - IT'S HUMP DAY/HAPPY HUMP DAY! These statements seem ironic, and I looove irony. Everyone that says something about hump day has the same perverted thought in their head "ha, you just said hump!". Fact of the matter is, everyone I work with is married and has kids so NO day is ever hump day for them. Literally.
Thursday - OMFG I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, I need more coffee to make it through this shit.
FRIDAY - WOO Weekend, bla bla bla let's not do any work today at all because I checked out as soon as I parked my car in the garage this morning! What are your weekend plans? Who does your team play? You Golf?
How many times during a 5 day work week do these people say the word "Friday"? Friday is the most popular word in every office everywhere. No wonder we're so fucked and the recession went on/is going on for so long. Everyone is a moron.
I hate Office small talk for another reason: no one knows shit about you. They don't care what your responses are, and they won't remember any of them. I can't tell you how many times I've been over that fact that I am from Ohio with people I work with. "Ohio??" Yes, Ohio. And no I do not like country music, did not live on a farm or any other retarded vision of Ohioans you have in your head. People in California are so fucking dumb when it comes to anything outside of their bubble. To them there California, some dry hot places, some cold places, farmers, hicks and NYC. That's it. That's what America looks like to them.
Anyways, I'm fucking out. I have football to watch. Go WVU(fuck Cincituckey), and Go Bucks!
Almost forgot - thanks to everyone at 11w and the BBC for checking this out. Your comments and readership are appreciated.
3 or 4 years ago waking up at 7 was not a possibility unless it was a football Saturday and I had important business[drinking] to attend to. I used to sleep til 10 at a minimum to make it to my noon class, and even then there was no guarantee I would make it, which would explain why I was constantly on academic probation from the fine establishment also known as Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity. Now if I sleep til 7 or 7:30 I wake up and feel like I've slept til noon. It's fucked up. What's going on with my body and my brain? Even if I try to sleep in my body naturally wakes me up thus shooting all chances of sleeping in squarely in the ass.
Anyway, let's get back on topic: me not being in the office today. So being out of the office let's me avoid one thing I hate; STANDARD OFFICE SMALL TALK. You probably know what I mean by this. You can almost tell what certain people you work with are going to say to you in the morning just by what day it is.
Monday - Standard Questions: How was your weekend? Did your team win? etc. Standard Statements. My weekend was good, TOO SHORT THOUGH ROFL!!!! My team won or lost goddammit they suck balls. I can't wait til Friday. My life sucks. I need more coffee to handle this shit, etc.
Tuesday - HEY, at least it's not Monday!! LOL HIGH FIVE!
Wednesday - IT'S HUMP DAY/HAPPY HUMP DAY! These statements seem ironic, and I looove irony. Everyone that says something about hump day has the same perverted thought in their head "ha, you just said hump!". Fact of the matter is, everyone I work with is married and has kids so NO day is ever hump day for them. Literally.
Thursday - OMFG I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, I need more coffee to make it through this shit.
FRIDAY - WOO Weekend, bla bla bla let's not do any work today at all because I checked out as soon as I parked my car in the garage this morning! What are your weekend plans? Who does your team play? You Golf?
How many times during a 5 day work week do these people say the word "Friday"? Friday is the most popular word in every office everywhere. No wonder we're so fucked and the recession went on/is going on for so long. Everyone is a moron.
I hate Office small talk for another reason: no one knows shit about you. They don't care what your responses are, and they won't remember any of them. I can't tell you how many times I've been over that fact that I am from Ohio with people I work with. "Ohio??" Yes, Ohio. And no I do not like country music, did not live on a farm or any other retarded vision of Ohioans you have in your head. People in California are so fucking dumb when it comes to anything outside of their bubble. To them there California, some dry hot places, some cold places, farmers, hicks and NYC. That's it. That's what America looks like to them.
Anyways, I'm fucking out. I have football to watch. Go WVU(fuck Cincituckey), and Go Bucks!
Almost forgot - thanks to everyone at 11w and the BBC for checking this out. Your comments and readership are appreciated.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Random thought
I live in Laker country, and hate the Lakers with a passion. Everyone LOVES Magic Johnson in LA. (Erv for all you "clones" out there, if you listen to Jim Rome you get it) Magic Johnson could bang a lot of hookers without wearing a condom even though he is married and get AIDS and people would still love him.. wait, wait a minute, that already happened.
Anyway, I was thinking of this a while ago. Picture the "Show Time" Lakers locker room. Magic, Kurt Rambis, James Worthy.... and AC Green. Sing it with me "one of these things is not like the other". You got Magic goin raw with LA Hookers and then there's AC, who was a virgin until he was like 45 or some crap. There could not be two more polar opposites in the world. Yet, they were on the same team and in the same locker room.
I have to think Magic gave AC some serious shit back in the day.Serious name calling, maybe even suggesting he preferred the company of other men, etc. Do you think AC calls Erv up and just says "told ya so" and hangs up? I would, but I'm like that. Spiteful.
Also, if ALS is "Lou Gehrig's Disease" why isn't HIV/AIDS "Magic Johnson's Disease"?? This is the kind of shit I think of in my spare time.
Side Note: Erv used to do safe sex commercials back in the day. OH SWEET IRONY!
Anyway, I was thinking of this a while ago. Picture the "Show Time" Lakers locker room. Magic, Kurt Rambis, James Worthy.... and AC Green. Sing it with me "one of these things is not like the other". You got Magic goin raw with LA Hookers and then there's AC, who was a virgin until he was like 45 or some crap. There could not be two more polar opposites in the world. Yet, they were on the same team and in the same locker room.
I have to think Magic gave AC some serious shit back in the day.Serious name calling, maybe even suggesting he preferred the company of other men, etc. Do you think AC calls Erv up and just says "told ya so" and hangs up? I would, but I'm like that. Spiteful.
Also, if ALS is "Lou Gehrig's Disease" why isn't HIV/AIDS "Magic Johnson's Disease"?? This is the kind of shit I think of in my spare time.
Side Note: Erv used to do safe sex commercials back in the day. OH SWEET IRONY!
Losing your cool
When is the age when you're not allowed to do certain things anymore? Like all the stuff that used to be cool, you still think is but everyone looks at you like you're and idiot because you still do. Perfect example: video games. I think this is something that my generation (AKA the first people to have Nintendo) is the first to experience. Are we all going to be like 75 and playing xbox12million? Will they have fixed the red ring of death thing by then? Of course if you're like me, then you probably won't be playing anymore. The only video game system I own is Nintendo 64 because you still can't fuck with Mario Kart 64. No contest, best game ever. Golden Eye 64 is a close second. It is 1B to MK64's 1A.
Other things that you "grow out of"
- Basketball shoes - They're so comfortable!!! I wore them from elementary through like 10th grade. If I wore them now?? I'd look like a complete tool. It sucks! I want those new zoom air LeBron maxes or whatever they're called, but I don't want to spend $200 to be ridiculed. That already happens to me free of charge. Thanks to my girlfriend.
- Sports Jerseys - I wear my Nike Throwback 1995 Eddie George jersey every football Saturday, but I'm concerned that one birthday it's just going to become uncool for me to wear it. Like overnight the grown-up fairy flies in through my window, taps me wither her magic wand, and presto, i suck at life and am not allowed to wear a jersey anymore.
- Driving a cool car - Still hasn't happened to me, but it has to before kids come along and ruin my life . You'll never have a chance to have a cool car again until they all leave your house. Then it's seen as 1) mid-life crisis and 2) you have a tiny penis/impotence. I do not want either of those labels thank you. For example, what pops in to your head when you see a guy driving a [pussy-magnet yellow] Corvette? I rest my case.
- Not parting your hair - Every person that is at or above a certain age has a grown-up haircut/style. I do not want. Actually, I just want to keep my hair and not look like a dork
-Inappropriate jokes/remarks - This is the only thing I can think of that you are supposed to grow out of, but once you reach a 2nd point in your life it becomes acceptable again. Think about it, you can't get away with calling anything gay anymore without pissing someone off. Same goes for retarded. Some one's friend's uncle's cousin is that, and you are a prick because you are so goddamn insensitive. Let me make this clear: I don't dislike gay or retarded people. (Tim Hardaway"hates gay peoples" btw) Both are fine, I don't care what you do in your private life at all as long as it isn't part of NAMBLA's code of conduct. Anyway, you reach a certain point and all that shit is seriously frowned upon. But BANG! You turn like 60 or something and you can say whatever the fuck you want again!! SWEET VICTORY! Think back to your grandfather and the shit he said/says. My grandpa said some terrible stuff about everyone, and it was hilarious. I can't wait to be old just because of that. Dear future grandson, you better hope that you're not effeminate and are good at sports or you're going to hate my ass. You've been warned.
Things that were NEVER cool. EVER.
-Jorts
-Tim Tebow - see above
- Teva or similar sandals - you look retarded. Go save trees and eat granola somewhere else, hippie.
- Vince Carter - All he could do was dunk. Now that he has 2 shot knees what is he good for? And he plays for the magic, and that name and their unis = LAME(Go Cavs, big win last night)
Things that used to be cool and idiots ruined:
-Vampires - Vampires used to be all cool and scary and not gay at all. Now look at them. All effeminate and so on. Dear Mormon woman that wrote those Twilight books: Fuck You. You ruined Vampires. ("Twi-Tards" are another group of people I can't stand.)
-Jeans - Regular jeans are fine. But these embroidered designer jeans are so dumb looking. Even if your woman (or "guy friend") picked them out, there's no excuse for you not returning them or even think about wearing them. Negative man points if you wear them without being coerced by oral. And even then, everyone knows you accept oral and then still don't wear them. And skinny jeans??? What's the point. Jeans are supposed to be comfortable, not so tight they hurt your nuts. Don't get me started on the idiots that sag skinny jeans either.
-Being a man - A real man, not one of those faggy Twilight Vampires, Metrosexuals, etc. It's not cool to be a man's man anymore for some reason. If that's the case, I choose to remain uncool. Drinking beer, not shaving, watchigng any sport that is on TV at a given time and eating cheeseburgers or anything else I can char on my grill. That's my typical weekend, why has this become a crime?
Other things that you "grow out of"
- Basketball shoes - They're so comfortable!!! I wore them from elementary through like 10th grade. If I wore them now?? I'd look like a complete tool. It sucks! I want those new zoom air LeBron maxes or whatever they're called, but I don't want to spend $200 to be ridiculed. That already happens to me free of charge. Thanks to my girlfriend.
- Sports Jerseys - I wear my Nike Throwback 1995 Eddie George jersey every football Saturday, but I'm concerned that one birthday it's just going to become uncool for me to wear it. Like overnight the grown-up fairy flies in through my window, taps me wither her magic wand, and presto, i suck at life and am not allowed to wear a jersey anymore.
- Driving a cool car - Still hasn't happened to me, but it has to before kids come along and ruin my life . You'll never have a chance to have a cool car again until they all leave your house. Then it's seen as 1) mid-life crisis and 2) you have a tiny penis/impotence. I do not want either of those labels thank you. For example, what pops in to your head when you see a guy driving a [pussy-magnet yellow] Corvette? I rest my case.
- Not parting your hair - Every person that is at or above a certain age has a grown-up haircut/style. I do not want. Actually, I just want to keep my hair and not look like a dork
-Inappropriate jokes/remarks - This is the only thing I can think of that you are supposed to grow out of, but once you reach a 2nd point in your life it becomes acceptable again. Think about it, you can't get away with calling anything gay anymore without pissing someone off. Same goes for retarded. Some one's friend's uncle's cousin is that, and you are a prick because you are so goddamn insensitive. Let me make this clear: I don't dislike gay or retarded people. (Tim Hardaway"hates gay peoples" btw) Both are fine, I don't care what you do in your private life at all as long as it isn't part of NAMBLA's code of conduct. Anyway, you reach a certain point and all that shit is seriously frowned upon. But BANG! You turn like 60 or something and you can say whatever the fuck you want again!! SWEET VICTORY! Think back to your grandfather and the shit he said/says. My grandpa said some terrible stuff about everyone, and it was hilarious. I can't wait to be old just because of that. Dear future grandson, you better hope that you're not effeminate and are good at sports or you're going to hate my ass. You've been warned.
Things that were NEVER cool. EVER.
-Jorts
-Tim Tebow - see above
- Teva or similar sandals - you look retarded. Go save trees and eat granola somewhere else, hippie.
- Vince Carter - All he could do was dunk. Now that he has 2 shot knees what is he good for? And he plays for the magic, and that name and their unis = LAME(Go Cavs, big win last night)
Things that used to be cool and idiots ruined:
-Vampires - Vampires used to be all cool and scary and not gay at all. Now look at them. All effeminate and so on. Dear Mormon woman that wrote those Twilight books: Fuck You. You ruined Vampires. ("Twi-Tards" are another group of people I can't stand.)
-Jeans - Regular jeans are fine. But these embroidered designer jeans are so dumb looking. Even if your woman (or "guy friend") picked them out, there's no excuse for you not returning them or even think about wearing them. Negative man points if you wear them without being coerced by oral. And even then, everyone knows you accept oral and then still don't wear them. And skinny jeans??? What's the point. Jeans are supposed to be comfortable, not so tight they hurt your nuts. Don't get me started on the idiots that sag skinny jeans either.
-Being a man - A real man, not one of those faggy Twilight Vampires, Metrosexuals, etc. It's not cool to be a man's man anymore for some reason. If that's the case, I choose to remain uncool. Drinking beer, not shaving, watchigng any sport that is on TV at a given time and eating cheeseburgers or anything else I can char on my grill. That's my typical weekend, why has this become a crime?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Things I've been thinking about lately
I kid mt buddy Rob that the reason I don't do drugs(i.e. smoke the devil's lettuce) is that I don't need any help in the random/stupid ideas department. My brain works like no one else I know, meaning that I'm always zoning out, thinking about random stuff and inappropriate thoughts.
I've been thinking about taking an entire day and devoting it to my Facebook status. What do I mean? Well, that's easy. I want to post every single thing I do.
5:45 - Dave just hit snooze
5:55 - Dave just hit snooze again
6:05 - Fuck you blackberry, I'm awake.
6:10 - grinding coffee beans for the fresh coffee kick. fuck Folgers, whole bean is the way to go
6:20 - one cup down, time to take a shit
6:30 - still reading mens health on the toilet
6:35 - fuck reading I'm gonna play brickbreaker while i take a dump
6:38 - wiping
6:39 - wiping again
6:45 - shower, mostly scratching balls with soap
6:50 - getting dressed, but mostly watching sportcenter
I think you get the idea. I'll admit, I update my Facebook status entirely too much. For this I blame Facebook for Blackberry. But what I do not do is update it with every little thing like some people. Or put what I call the "feel sorry for me" post on there. Here's an example of that "bla bla bla my bf/gf dumped me, I hate my life, no one will ever love me again :( :( :( "
They didn't love you in the first place, shut the hell up and stop being an attention whore. The only reason people post shit like this is so that people will be all like "OMG WHAT A JERK!!!" and "DON'T WORRY, WE STILL LUV U! LOL!". Idiots.
And another thing "LOL" is stupid, but not as stupid as "LMAO" of the infamous "ROFL". I have never rolled on the floor laughing... while sober. Stop lying and stop contributing to your friend's feel sorry for me moment.
Am i just an asshole? At the age of 26 am I out of touch? I'd like to think it's just because I'm not a complete moron. The next generation is so fucked. We better fix all the problems that we have NOW because these tards are useless.
Speaking of useless - TWITTER. Really, you tweet? Why? Do you have Facebook? What's the point of having both?
Someone told me you could link your Twitter account to your Facebook account and that somehow made sense to them. Why would I need two things to perform the same function? Actually, Twitter isn't even on the same level. It's like pulling out your Facebook status and making it one singular application. It's retarded.
I understand twitter if your what I would consider to be an important person, or in the media, etc. If you actually have important things to say then knock yourself out. But people like you and me do not need twitter. Nothing we do is that cool or important that other people need to follow us. That's another thing wrong with the next generation, they think they're the most interesting and important people in the world when in all reality they haven't nor will they ever do anything productive. We better cure cancer and AIDS now, because these jackoffs have to tweet something real quick.
8:31 - finish blog post, need to dump again.
Fuck it. I'm out.
-Dave
I've been thinking about taking an entire day and devoting it to my Facebook status. What do I mean? Well, that's easy. I want to post every single thing I do.
5:45 - Dave just hit snooze
5:55 - Dave just hit snooze again
6:05 - Fuck you blackberry, I'm awake.
6:10 - grinding coffee beans for the fresh coffee kick. fuck Folgers, whole bean is the way to go
6:20 - one cup down, time to take a shit
6:30 - still reading mens health on the toilet
6:35 - fuck reading I'm gonna play brickbreaker while i take a dump
6:38 - wiping
6:39 - wiping again
6:45 - shower, mostly scratching balls with soap
6:50 - getting dressed, but mostly watching sportcenter
I think you get the idea. I'll admit, I update my Facebook status entirely too much. For this I blame Facebook for Blackberry. But what I do not do is update it with every little thing like some people. Or put what I call the "feel sorry for me" post on there. Here's an example of that "bla bla bla my bf/gf dumped me, I hate my life, no one will ever love me again :( :( :( "
They didn't love you in the first place, shut the hell up and stop being an attention whore. The only reason people post shit like this is so that people will be all like "OMG WHAT A JERK!!!" and "DON'T WORRY, WE STILL LUV U! LOL!". Idiots.
And another thing "LOL" is stupid, but not as stupid as "LMAO" of the infamous "ROFL". I have never rolled on the floor laughing... while sober. Stop lying and stop contributing to your friend's feel sorry for me moment.
Am i just an asshole? At the age of 26 am I out of touch? I'd like to think it's just because I'm not a complete moron. The next generation is so fucked. We better fix all the problems that we have NOW because these tards are useless.
Speaking of useless - TWITTER. Really, you tweet? Why? Do you have Facebook? What's the point of having both?
Someone told me you could link your Twitter account to your Facebook account and that somehow made sense to them. Why would I need two things to perform the same function? Actually, Twitter isn't even on the same level. It's like pulling out your Facebook status and making it one singular application. It's retarded.
I understand twitter if your what I would consider to be an important person, or in the media, etc. If you actually have important things to say then knock yourself out. But people like you and me do not need twitter. Nothing we do is that cool or important that other people need to follow us. That's another thing wrong with the next generation, they think they're the most interesting and important people in the world when in all reality they haven't nor will they ever do anything productive. We better cure cancer and AIDS now, because these jackoffs have to tweet something real quick.
8:31 - finish blog post, need to dump again.
Fuck it. I'm out.
-Dave
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