That's right, fuck you, third grad teachers of America. Referring to one of the most bad-ass holidays ever as "Turkey Day" makes you sound like a tard. (Again, no offense to actual tards. You guys probably hate that phrase too.) You wouldn't say "Happy Jesus Day!" would you? No you wouldn't because that would actually be funny and original. Two things which you are not. You're the type of person that wears ugly Christmas sweaters because you actually like them, not because you are going to an ugly sweater party. I am thankful that I don't keep many people like you inside the circle of trust. You have all been kicked out. Probably many many years ago because I can't stand you and your stupid face.
But I guess I should be thankful for other things like girlfriend(hates when I call her that), family, the troops in all those hot sandy god-awful places, etc. I genuinely am thankful for all of those things. Here are some other things I am thankful for as we pause to let deep thoughts evolve in our ever expanding minds on this day before the day of giving thanks. (I also refuse to refer to the day before Thanksgiving as "Thanksgiving Eve". That's just making more stupid holidays up. I'm looking at YOU "sweetest day".)
- Cheetos - They're awesome, admit it.
-The Bevmo that opened up by my house this year - It's a glorious thing. For those of you that don't know what Bevmo is and have also never heard of Google either, Bevmo is like a supermarket dedicated to all this containing alcohol or that with be mixed or eaten in conjunction with alcohol. Whoever invented this was a genius.
- Not going to the night-before-Thanksgiving in your hometown bar gathering - Let me set you straight here, I am not happy that I won't be in Ohio for Thanksgiving. That's not my point at all. I'm just happy I won't have to hang out with douches that I went to the same high school roughly 10 years ago, pretend to like them, pretend to care what they're up to now, etc. I have, in the past, played the pretend caring card only to have it blow up in my face as a result of Jager shots. While I will miss pissing everyone off, I won't miss pretending to care that I like you. You probably call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day" anyway. Douche.
- The Rose Bowl - Finally an OSU game close by that isn't another home game for those USC D-Bags.
- A couple days off from work - No explanation needed.
- Spending the day AFTER Thanksgiving going to wineries and the Firestone brewery in Paso Robles and NOT SHOPPING - People that go shopping on "Black Friday" are idiots. Ever heard of amazon.com? 10 times better than walmart at 4am on a cold Friday in November waiting in line to buy the next thing your little brat will destroy in 2 months or forget about completely when the next big thing comes out.
The Holiday season is upon us, people. It's Scary. Try not to kill yourself or the guy next to you fighting for the same new xbox game that your kid wants too. Just remember to eat drink and drink some more. We can do this. We just have to be strong.
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