Updates, homecoming weekend, etc

Week 3 of not working has officially started. I'm interviewing at companies like a fucking mad man. I counted today and I'm at phase 2 or 3 of the hiring process at 4 places and overall I'm interviewing at 7 different companies, which is nice. The only bad things are: 1) not getting paid, 2) it's hard to keep things/people/companies straight and 3) I'm getting really fucking bored. I mean, there's only so much laundry I can do before All of my clothes are so clean that I've shrunk them and they no longer fit.

On a side note I do watch a lot of TV. Thank God for my new Verizon Fios set up. I Even have free Showtime and Starz somehow. Not complaining, Weeds is a good show as is Californication. But seriously, I need to get working soon before I lose the rest of my mind. I did have my California unemployment phone "interview" today, which if you don't know, they just go over what you put on your initial application and tell you "OK, you should have some $$$ in like 10 days". So, who wants to go on a beer and lottery ticket run when I get my first check from the state?!?!? Hopefuly I'll be working before I even get that check, but you never know.

In other news I went back to Columbus this past weekend. We flew out Thursday on a red eye from LAX to CMH and got in at 5:45 AM. I'm used to the red eye thing, but the more I do it, the worse I sleep on the plane. In addition to not sleeping I was on the aisle(better than the middle) and my right shoulder/arm protruded in to it. We were in the last row of the plane, so you can imagine how many people ran in to me on their way to the bathroom. One guy went back there like 4 times on a 5 hour flight. The guy had to have a bladder the size of a pea. I also got run over by the beverage cart. FML

But as "meh" as the weekend started it was a great time. I got to see my family, who I haven't seen in about a year, a ton of my friends, Too's, Eddie George's and had awesome seats to Revengefest 2010, aka the OSU/Purdue game.

I almost didn't make it to the game though, as I got a bit carried away the night before. I blame Jager, as usual. But on a positive I did blow a pickle slice out of my nostril that was there for one reason or another(vom).

That's all I have for now. I feel like Dougie Howser typing this shit out, except he always had some "moral of the story" thing on the end.

WAIT! i've got it! So, as we left the campus area Friday night/Saturday morning I felt compelled to deliver a message to current undergrads while also scaring the shit out of them at the same time. I've been out of school since 2007, just turned 27 and have learned how awesome but also how dream crushing life in the real world can be. Needless to say I felt cthat it was my civic duty to tell everyone who was within earshot to "stay here as long as you can" a la Billy Madison. So I spent my trip home Friday night(riding shotgun mind you, don't drink and drive kids.) yelling "cherish these times, because the go fast" or something like that to everyone/thing I saw. I was greeted by a lot of "shut up" etc but as long as I reached one person I feel like i did something good. Or as long as the people that thought I was full of shit find themselves sitting in a cubicle at age 30 and go "man, that guy was right. I should have listened" I'll feel good about it.

The "Shake Weight for Men"

So I just saw a commercial on ESPNewsHD(yeah, HD all day bitchez) for the Shake Weight.... FOR MEN!!!!

Shake weight for women: AWESOME IDEA!!! (makes boobies shake and looks like a certain sexical act) Shake Weight for Men... No. Just no.

If you buy this go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. If you think this thing is gonna get you all jacked up like the dude in commercial you are high. He doesn't eat bread and he sticks needles in his butt more than Barry Bonds did/probably still does.

Who invented this piece of S? The world masturbation champion, Captain Basement Dweller??? "Derr muh fo-arm gets tarred when I shake hands wiv muh bess frend, I needsta work my baitin are out, a hyuck". What an asshole.

I hate people.

Vacation in Summary

4 Bottles of Rum(I prob drank 1 myself)
5 Cases of beer(at least one myself)
1 bottle of Scotch
1 Bottle Absolut
3 Cuban Cigars. (all me)
7 days of sailing around the BVI in a catamaran.

This is where some douche bags would say "priceless". Fuck those people.

Soccer Thoughts Number 2

I don't understand soccer. How is it the world's most exciting game? Today the World Cup kicked off(PUN!!!!) and the first two games were so exciting that they were both ties!!! WOOOOO!! 1-1, and 0-0(or "nil nil" for you soccer douchers). Don't get me wrong, I'll be rooting for the US to kick the shit out of those limey's tomorrow. Any time there's an excuse for the USA chant I use it.

Reasons to hate soccer:

1. People get pissed when you call it soccer instead of "football" or "futbol". WE ALREADY HAVE FOOTBALL AND IT'S WAY BETTER THAN SOCCER! At least when someone is hurt in football you know they are acting. which brings me to.....
2. FLOPPING. Seriously, I saw a video on ESPN where a guy got hit with a ball in the thigh and he fell down clutching his face with both hands. THEN he did the old "peek a boo" to see if anyone as looking, got up, and played on as if nothing happened.
3. "Everyone else in the world plays it"/"It's the most popular game in the world". I'll admit, both of these statement are true. However when is going with the crowd something admirable?? Also take in to consideration that "most of the world" lives in mud/grass huts and "most of the world" listens to techno". "Most of the world" doesn't have running water, or cable TV. I don't want to be lumped in with most of the world.
4. Celebration includes removing articles of clothing. The only place that should be true is the strip club and your own bedroom or wherever your freaks do the deed.
   

It's not that I "hate" soccer, it's just that I think so many other things are better and more entertaining. Like it all you want, however when you become a soccer snob and debate with anyone who'll listen about why they should like it, you should be punched in the face. Twice.

Anyway, U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Beat the world at their game (like we almost beat Canada at theirs) so we can rub it in their faces about how much we don't care.

It's only OK to watch the World Cup if....

• You remind everyone that we saved England's ass in WWII.
• Your drink tons of beer and chant U-S-A! all day/night.
• You repeatedly slur "Don't tread on me"
• You don't understand why it takes 90 minutes.
• You fall down and pretend to be hurt whenever a player does
• You insist in calling it SOCCER.
• You don't dress like these people.
  
• David Beckam's wife looks like an alien from the planet queef.

OK, the last one wasn't a conditional statement. I just think she looks kinda scary in an alien from the movie "signs" kind of way. I wonder what happens to her if you spray her with water? Instant death maybe?

Sex and the City 2: A Terrible Idea MadeTerribler

Their vaginas aren't dry because they're in the desert(why are they in the desert again? ohh, that's right, terrorism) they're dry because they're all old. This should be called "No Sex in the Desert: The Jihad of Shoe Shopping" or some shit.

Character Line Up:

The blonde with shortish hair: Slut. Must use TONS of astro-glide

Ginger: No soul.

Main Charecter: Ugly as shit, get your mole removed. You have a face like Mr. Ed.

Brunette: Only bangable one, although I hear she believe in Xenu. That's questionable at best.

Story line:

Old whores go the desert to go shoe shopping and whore it up. Only what they don't realize is that they're in Iraq or some shit therefore it's illegal to be a woman and super-illegal to be whore. They all get kidnapped by Osama Bin Laden for being whores, except the Ginger because the terrorists think she's a he. The end.

Whoever green-lit this movie should be shot. In the knee. and then foreced to crawl across the 110 freeway at night time.

Pet Peeve of the Day.

Getting a Receptionists Voicemail.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! If the machine is answering the phone for you, why do we need to pay you? Is your job that fucking hard?!? Just answer the phone and get me to who I need to talk to. I refuse to leave you a voicemail!

Also, it's none of your god-damned business who I am or why I'm calling. You're a call router.

It's racist because you are white.

Think about it. The only reason you are for this whole Arizona Immigration law is because you are white, and because you are white you are ultimately a bigot. It makes sense, CNMSNBCNN told me so. Keith Olberman would NEVER lie to me, you take that back.

There's no way you read the law, let a lone understand it. Just because it says that racial profiling is frowned upon and illegal doesn't actually mean that whoever wrote and will enforce it will stand by that. Why would they do such a thing? They're going to be ripping "illegal-looking" people out of cars before you can say Chimichanga! Don't pay attention to what the law says, pay attention to what it DOESN'T say maaan, it's a conspiracy! Arizona is the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll. They started the Vietnam war, planted WMD's in Iraq and now they're trying to enforce a federal law in their own state!

What of this federal law? That's just made up by more racist white people. It doesn't actually exist. It was invented by the white man to keep us down, and we're sure as shit not going to enforce it. Boycott Arizona, and move to Mexico! I here it's a lovely country, minus the wide-spread poverty, drug cartels and all that!

Shame on you Arizona for wanting people to come to this country legally and not bilk the system for money. Bunch of slack-jawed red-necked racists!

(totally serious)

Oh the humanity!!

Dear Internet,

What's goin on? How are your series of tubes? I agree, Al Gore is an ass-clown, everyone knows you created yourself just like God did. Maybe you are God, think about it. Stop being modest, you are so awesome. Where else can "Self Potato" grow and become a sensation along side of millions of self-shot pornos and FAILblog? Answer: no-fucking-where.


But I Digress...

That earthquake in Haiti, have you seen this? Have you heard about this? That's some serious business right there. I want to say something before I go off on to my normal tangent of misery and pessimism: I feel bad for everyone that lost their life, family members, pets, personal property, baby teeth etc in that disaster. However, how many millions of dollars are the American people and Government sending their way?? This is one of the great mysteries of the American society that I have yet to solve. Why do we choose to help so many other people, places, causes when we have so many problems in our own houses, community, families?

Like I said, what happened is a tragedy, but let's take a step back here and leave our emotions out of this and start thinking with something that's increasingly rare in our day and age: reason and logical thought! A few years ago there was a little thing called "hurricane Katrina" and she was and is a dirty dirty whore that seriously fucked up a large region of of country, leaving hundreds if not thousands of American citizens without food, water, and shelter. This was a few years ago and still things aren't alright in New Orleans. Why is it then that we organize telethons, donate $10 a text message and as a country let the Government donate time and resources to help another group of people? Things aren't right here!! It seems that Katrina and New Orleans are old news, they're sooooo 2005. Haiti is the new hot shit disaster! Get with the program! New Orleans wants their own celebrity telethon, sans Kanye and Mike Myers. Barack Obama doesn't care about American Citizens. Reese Witherspoon doesn't care about Americans.

Another thing like this that drives me nuts is the trend that every charity has to revolve around problems in Africa. The perfect example of this is the Starbucks, GAP, etc "RED" campaign that benefits AIDS in Africa, because as we all know, AIDS doesn't exist anywhere else. I have no problem with part of my money that I spend on coffee going to help with AIDS research, medicine, etc but why can't it go to some kind of general fund? I refuse to buy these products for this very reason. This is a world-wide problem, not just in Africa.

This is a lame as Angelina and Madonna buying African orphans (yes, I said buying) because there aren't enough orphans in America that need a home. These two bitches should get punched in the face. They try to trendy and fashionable through the guise of charity, it's fucked up. Don't pretend to care, just buy a new purse or pair of shoes instead of an African kid next time.

Back to my original point: we're in a god-damned recession. Don't believe the hype, we're still in it, yet we're sending millions, if not billions of dollars to other countries to help them out. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? We've got crumbling roads, people out of work, and an exponentially and ever-growing deficit and we're sending other people money? Fuck. This is what's wrong with America. People are so worried about what people think of them and what's going on outside of their own house, backyard, country that things here are simply falling apart. This is the same thing as your neighbor butting his stupid face in when you didn't cut your grass this week, or when you forgot to bring the trashcans back from the curb. Mind your own fucking business. Your 16 your old daughter is dating a 30 year old and I'm pretty sure she's gonna get knocked up.(see the TV show "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant" for perfect examples)

This is the catch-22 that America faces, fucked if we do, double-fucked if we don't. We've become the super villain of the world and yet the hero at the same time. It's time to put a stop to this idiocy. Let's take care of business here before we try to save the world before it's too late. Time to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan and spend some money fixing our problems, not hunting Osama (he''s dead anyway), not building schools is other countries, and sure as hell not sending tax dollars outside of the United States.

Vanity Plates are awesome!

It's been a busy couple (4 or 5) weeks. I've been driving around LA and OC a lot for work and other things and for those of you that haven't been to Southern California, Vanity Plates are everywhere. Seriously, LA has to be the vanity plate capital of the world (sorry Bangkok). While none are as awesome as "Ass Man" from Seinfeld fame, there is one disturbing trend: gross chics that think they're hot.

I saw a license plate that read "SEXC MAMI" the other day on the 110 and I thought to myself, FAT! FAT FAT FAT FAT! But you know what? I was wrong, she was HUUUUUUUUGE not just fat. It's become my realization that anyone with a plate that says "SEXY", "SEXC", "HOT" etc means that they are a very large minority woman, mostly Hispanic or "African-American".

Who told these bitches they were hot? Are they being ironic?(no, women have zero sense of humor, especially when it comes to matter of weight.) Why the fuck are there so many ugly bitches with these license plates? Isn't there some kind of screening process? There should. You should have to submit a RECENT photo of yourself with your vanity plate application. I realize that California is hard up for funds right now, but still, the extra money the Government gets from fat chics paying for vanity plates can't be that big of an amount. To offset this loss just raise the tax on fast food, especially KFC and McDonald's. I venture to say that the revenue change will be vastly on the positive side.

Maybe these plates are out there for dudes that consider themselves "chubby chasers" or something. It's an easy way to weed out the big girls from the average to small girls or something. It's like shooting a deer and following the trail of blood to find your kill, only it's a trail of Burger King bags and the bleeding is internal. I don't fault these guys for jumping on "grenades" for the rest of us, but come on. This has got to stop.

Fuck YOUR Life.

On a happier note the Cavs took care of business and beat the Fakers last night. How did Bynum and Gasol grow to be 7feet+ tall and still manage to never grow male genitalia. Lisa Leslie thinks they're fags. I realize that Pau is a Euro, so by nature he flops, is soft and can't make big boy plays but come on. Everyone that said the Shaq trade was dumb can now tell him how his ass tastes because he beat those bitches up. DJ Mbenga saw playing time.... in the first half.

The best part is that all the Fakers fans will stop running their mouths and pretending they know shit about "their" team. First the USC coaching/NCAA debacle and now this! What an awesome month! No more USC or Lakers car flags = success!

Time for GTL bitches! I'm out.

How to be a Guido, with Michael Cera and the Venereal Disease Crew from the Jersey Shore

This kicks so much ass that I don't know how to put it in words.

Adam James is a Bitch.

That's right, I said what you were probably thinking. I'll say it again: Adam James is a fucking bitch. A whiny spoiled brat that wasn't getting his way and managed to get a person that he didn't like wrongfully terminated.

Hopefully you've seen the video tour of the "shed" and "electrical closet by now". If not, I'll tell you; they're nothing like a shed or electrical closet whatsoever. Quite spacious, with fans and ice machines. Not cob webs, dust and exposed electrical wires.

I'm not saying what ex-coach Mike Leach did is right, but what I am saying is that we're getting in to dangerous territory where one person's word can get you fired without any sort of corroboration of stories or evidence submitted by anyone else but your accuser. I'm sure that if you take a look at any football program there are going to be players(that don't get any PT) that don't like the way they are treated, think they should see more field time and just think life isn't fair, boo hoo. Guess what bitches, life isn't fair. Just because you don't like the way things are going doesn't mean that you should be such a cry-baby. Suck it up. Practice harder, spend more time watching game film, hit the weights, etc if you want more playing time.

Another thing that's super-fucked about this scenario is the dedicated time Adam's daddy, Craig James(an ESPN "analyst" no less) , was given on sports center to defend his son and talk about how terrible of a coach and person Mike Leach is. What a crock of shit. Talk about guilty before proven otherwise, this is the perfect case.

I will say this is far different that the Mark Mangino situation that was in Kansas where players were physically harmed b y his actions. The whole turf burn thing was pretty gross if you ask me. This kid got yelled at. That's pretty much it. How many times have you been yelled at? Did you cry about it? Did you get revenge on that person and make it a personal vendetta. Coaches yell at people, that at least half of what coaching is. The coach isn't there to pat you on the head and tell you that you are special. He's there to make you tougher, a better player and to ultimately win games. He is not there for your self esteem.

The worst part is just think about the message it sends to other players at different schools and in large part the next/current generation of kids: if something is tough you cry about it and everything will be taken care of. That's the problem with kids and society as a whole nowadays; every thinks they're special. Let me ask you something: what did Adam James ever accomplish?? NOTHING. Yet he feels entitled to be treated like he did, and maybe better than other players in general. I heard someone on the radio(ex NFLer) say this was the "wussification" of society as we know it, and I tend to agree. The next generation is fucked. They can't take the heat, can't take a joke and can't take criticism. Is it our job to make the world softer and more comfortable for their privileged bum bums? It sure sounds like it.

This song never gets old

Suck it Oregon!