The "Shake Weight for Men"

So I just saw a commercial on ESPNewsHD(yeah, HD all day bitchez) for the Shake Weight.... FOR MEN!!!!

Shake weight for women: AWESOME IDEA!!! (makes boobies shake and looks like a certain sexical act) Shake Weight for Men... No. Just no.

If you buy this go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. If you think this thing is gonna get you all jacked up like the dude in commercial you are high. He doesn't eat bread and he sticks needles in his butt more than Barry Bonds did/probably still does.

Who invented this piece of S? The world masturbation champion, Captain Basement Dweller??? "Derr muh fo-arm gets tarred when I shake hands wiv muh bess frend, I needsta work my baitin are out, a hyuck". What an asshole.

I hate people.

Vacation in Summary

4 Bottles of Rum(I prob drank 1 myself)
5 Cases of beer(at least one myself)
1 bottle of Scotch
1 Bottle Absolut
3 Cuban Cigars. (all me)
7 days of sailing around the BVI in a catamaran.

This is where some douche bags would say "priceless". Fuck those people.

Soccer Thoughts Number 2

I don't understand soccer. How is it the world's most exciting game? Today the World Cup kicked off(PUN!!!!) and the first two games were so exciting that they were both ties!!! WOOOOO!! 1-1, and 0-0(or "nil nil" for you soccer douchers). Don't get me wrong, I'll be rooting for the US to kick the shit out of those limey's tomorrow. Any time there's an excuse for the USA chant I use it.

Reasons to hate soccer:

1. People get pissed when you call it soccer instead of "football" or "futbol". WE ALREADY HAVE FOOTBALL AND IT'S WAY BETTER THAN SOCCER! At least when someone is hurt in football you know they are acting. which brings me to.....
2. FLOPPING. Seriously, I saw a video on ESPN where a guy got hit with a ball in the thigh and he fell down clutching his face with both hands. THEN he did the old "peek a boo" to see if anyone as looking, got up, and played on as if nothing happened.
3. "Everyone else in the world plays it"/"It's the most popular game in the world". I'll admit, both of these statement are true. However when is going with the crowd something admirable?? Also take in to consideration that "most of the world" lives in mud/grass huts and "most of the world" listens to techno". "Most of the world" doesn't have running water, or cable TV. I don't want to be lumped in with most of the world.
4. Celebration includes removing articles of clothing. The only place that should be true is the strip club and your own bedroom or wherever your freaks do the deed.
   

It's not that I "hate" soccer, it's just that I think so many other things are better and more entertaining. Like it all you want, however when you become a soccer snob and debate with anyone who'll listen about why they should like it, you should be punched in the face. Twice.

Anyway, U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Beat the world at their game (like we almost beat Canada at theirs) so we can rub it in their faces about how much we don't care.

It's only OK to watch the World Cup if....

• You remind everyone that we saved England's ass in WWII.
• Your drink tons of beer and chant U-S-A! all day/night.
• You repeatedly slur "Don't tread on me"
• You don't understand why it takes 90 minutes.
• You fall down and pretend to be hurt whenever a player does
• You insist in calling it SOCCER.
• You don't dress like these people.
  
• David Beckam's wife looks like an alien from the planet queef.

OK, the last one wasn't a conditional statement. I just think she looks kinda scary in an alien from the movie "signs" kind of way. I wonder what happens to her if you spray her with water? Instant death maybe?

Sex and the City 2: A Terrible Idea MadeTerribler

Their vaginas aren't dry because they're in the desert(why are they in the desert again? ohh, that's right, terrorism) they're dry because they're all old. This should be called "No Sex in the Desert: The Jihad of Shoe Shopping" or some shit.

Character Line Up:

The blonde with shortish hair: Slut. Must use TONS of astro-glide

Ginger: No soul.

Main Charecter: Ugly as shit, get your mole removed. You have a face like Mr. Ed.

Brunette: Only bangable one, although I hear she believe in Xenu. That's questionable at best.

Story line:

Old whores go the desert to go shoe shopping and whore it up. Only what they don't realize is that they're in Iraq or some shit therefore it's illegal to be a woman and super-illegal to be whore. They all get kidnapped by Osama Bin Laden for being whores, except the Ginger because the terrorists think she's a he. The end.

Whoever green-lit this movie should be shot. In the knee. and then foreced to crawl across the 110 freeway at night time.