It's only OK to watch the World Cup if....

• You remind everyone that we saved England's ass in WWII.
• Your drink tons of beer and chant U-S-A! all day/night.
• You repeatedly slur "Don't tread on me"
• You don't understand why it takes 90 minutes.
• You fall down and pretend to be hurt whenever a player does
• You insist in calling it SOCCER.
• You don't dress like these people.
  
• David Beckam's wife looks like an alien from the planet queef.

OK, the last one wasn't a conditional statement. I just think she looks kinda scary in an alien from the movie "signs" kind of way. I wonder what happens to her if you spray her with water? Instant death maybe?