Friday, July 8, 2011

Thought of the day.

Have you ever met someone that you could tell to kill themselves and totally not feel bad for saying that to them??

Oh... yeah.... me either. Yeah I agree, that would be really fucked up.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fake Outrage.

I hate people that pretend to care about things. You see, actually caring about things is good. You care that you're wife won't blow you anymore, you care that your car sucks, and you care that your wife won't blow you in your shitty car. See where I'm going here?

There's a problem with people today; too much money and too much time on their hands. Well, where I live anyway. The phrase "helicopter mom" doesn't do it justice. The amount of fake outrage these fake-titted pussy lip bitches put out there is nauseating. Fake outrage over what's on tv, what someone said at their book club, etc. The fact of the matter as that none of that shit that they get so worked up over actually upsets them or really matters.

Be upset that your kid has no discernible talent or ambition in life. Be upset that you settled. There is plenty of shit to worry about that you actually have control over. The best part of all of those terrible things is that you won't have to fake it. Well, that and I won't have to hear you whine about it.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Updates, homecoming weekend, etc

Week 3 of not working has officially started. I'm interviewing at companies like a fucking mad man. I counted today and I'm at phase 2 or 3 of the hiring process at 4 places and overall I'm interviewing at 7 different companies, which is nice. The only bad things are: 1) not getting paid, 2) it's hard to keep things/people/companies straight and 3) I'm getting really fucking bored. I mean, there's only so much laundry I can do before All of my clothes are so clean that I've shrunk them and they no longer fit.

On a side note I do watch a lot of TV. Thank God for my new Verizon Fios set up. I Even have free Showtime and Starz somehow. Not complaining, Weeds is a good show as is Californication. But seriously, I need to get working soon before I lose the rest of my mind. I did have my California unemployment phone "interview" today, which if you don't know, they just go over what you put on your initial application and tell you "OK, you should have some $$$ in like 10 days". So, who wants to go on a beer and lottery ticket run when I get my first check from the state?!?!? Hopefuly I'll be working before I even get that check, but you never know.

In other news I went back to Columbus this past weekend. We flew out Thursday on a red eye from LAX to CMH and got in at 5:45 AM. I'm used to the red eye thing, but the more I do it, the worse I sleep on the plane. In addition to not sleeping I was on the aisle(better than the middle) and my right shoulder/arm protruded in to it. We were in the last row of the plane, so you can imagine how many people ran in to me on their way to the bathroom. One guy went back there like 4 times on a 5 hour flight. The guy had to have a bladder the size of a pea. I also got run over by the beverage cart. FML

But as "meh" as the weekend started it was a great time. I got to see my family, who I haven't seen in about a year, a ton of my friends, Too's, Eddie George's and had awesome seats to Revengefest 2010, aka the OSU/Purdue game.

I almost didn't make it to the game though, as I got a bit carried away the night before. I blame Jager, as usual. But on a positive I did blow a pickle slice out of my nostril that was there for one reason or another(vom).

That's all I have for now. I feel like Dougie Howser typing this shit out, except he always had some "moral of the story" thing on the end.

WAIT! i've got it! So, as we left the campus area Friday night/Saturday morning I felt compelled to deliver a message to current undergrads while also scaring the shit out of them at the same time. I've been out of school since 2007, just turned 27 and have learned how awesome but also how dream crushing life in the real world can be. Needless to say I felt cthat it was my civic duty to tell everyone who was within earshot to "stay here as long as you can" a la Billy Madison. So I spent my trip home Friday night(riding shotgun mind you, don't drink and drive kids.) yelling "cherish these times, because the go fast" or something like that to everyone/thing I saw. I was greeted by a lot of "shut up" etc but as long as I reached one person I feel like i did something good. Or as long as the people that thought I was full of shit find themselves sitting in a cubicle at age 30 and go "man, that guy was right. I should have listened" I'll feel good about it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The "Shake Weight for Men"

So I just saw a commercial on ESPNewsHD(yeah, HD all day bitchez) for the Shake Weight.... FOR MEN!!!!

Shake weight for women: AWESOME IDEA!!! (makes boobies shake and looks like a certain sexical act) Shake Weight for Men... No. Just no.

If you buy this go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. If you think this thing is gonna get you all jacked up like the dude in commercial you are high. He doesn't eat bread and he sticks needles in his butt more than Barry Bonds did/probably still does.

Who invented this piece of S? The world masturbation champion, Captain Basement Dweller??? "Derr muh fo-arm gets tarred when I shake hands wiv muh bess frend, I needsta work my baitin are out, a hyuck". What an asshole.

I hate people.

Vacation in Summary

4 Bottles of Rum(I prob drank 1 myself)
5 Cases of beer(at least one myself)
1 bottle of Scotch
1 Bottle Absolut
3 Cuban Cigars. (all me)
7 days of sailing around the BVI in a catamaran.

This is where some douche bags would say "priceless". Fuck those people.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Soccer Thoughts Number 2

I don't understand soccer. How is it the world's most exciting game? Today the World Cup kicked off(PUN!!!!) and the first two games were so exciting that they were both ties!!! WOOOOO!! 1-1, and 0-0(or "nil nil" for you soccer douchers). Don't get me wrong, I'll be rooting for the US to kick the shit out of those limey's tomorrow. Any time there's an excuse for the USA chant I use it.

Reasons to hate soccer:
  1. People get pissed when you call it soccer instead of "football" or "futbol". WE ALREADY HAVE FOOTBALL AND IT'S WAY BETTER THAN SOCCER! At least when someone is hurt in football you know they are acting. which brings me to.....
  2. FLOPPING. Seriously, I saw a video on ESPN where a guy got hit with a ball in the thigh and he fell down clutching his face with both hands. THEN he did the old "peek a boo" to see if anyone as looking, got up, and played on as if nothing happened.
  3. "Everyone else in the world plays it"/"It's the most popular game in the world". I'll admit, both of these statement are true. However when is going with the crowd something admirable?? Also take in to consideration that "most of the world" lives in mud/grass huts and "most of the world" listens to techno". "Most of the world" doesn't have running water, or cable TV. I don't want to be lumped in with most of the world.
  4. Celebration includes removing articles of clothing. The only place that should be true is the strip club and your own bedroom or wherever your freaks do the deed.
It's not that I "hate" soccer, it's just that I think so many other things are better and more entertaining. Like it all you want, however when you become a soccer snob and debate with anyone who'll listen about why they should like it, you should be punched in the face. Twice.

Anyway, U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Beat the world at their game (like we almost beat Canada at theirs) so we can rub it in their faces about how much we don't care.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

It's only OK to watch the World Cup if....

  • You remind everyone that we saved England's ass in WWII.
  • Your drink tons of beer and chant U-S-A! all day/night.
  • You repeatedly slur "Don't tread on me"
  • You don't understand why it takes 90 minutes.
  • You fall down and pretend to be hurt whenever a player does
  • You insist in calling it SOCCER.
  • You don't dress like these people.
  • David Beckam's wife looks like an alien from the planet queef.
OK, the last one wasn't a conditional statement. I just think she looks kinda scary in an alien from the movie "signs" kind of way. I wonder what happens to her if you spray her with water? Instant death maybe?