The "Shake Weight for Men"

So I just saw a commercial on ESPNewsHD(yeah, HD all day bitchez) for the Shake Weight.... FOR MEN!!!!

Shake weight for women: AWESOME IDEA!!! (makes boobies shake and looks like a certain sexical act) Shake Weight for Men... No. Just no.

If you buy this go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. If you think this thing is gonna get you all jacked up like the dude in commercial you are high. He doesn't eat bread and he sticks needles in his butt more than Barry Bonds did/probably still does.

Who invented this piece of S? The world masturbation champion, Captain Basement Dweller??? "Derr muh fo-arm gets tarred when I shake hands wiv muh bess frend, I needsta work my baitin are out, a hyuck". What an asshole.

I hate people.

Sex and the City 2: A Terrible Idea MadeTerribler

Their vaginas aren't dry because they're in the desert(why are they in the desert again? ohh, that's right, terrorism) they're dry because they're all old. This should be called "No Sex in the Desert: The Jihad of Shoe Shopping" or some shit.

Character Line Up:

The blonde with shortish hair: Slut. Must use TONS of astro-glide

Ginger: No soul.

Main Charecter: Ugly as shit, get your mole removed. You have a face like Mr. Ed.

Brunette: Only bangable one, although I hear she believe in Xenu. That's questionable at best.

Story line:

Old whores go the desert to go shoe shopping and whore it up. Only what they don't realize is that they're in Iraq or some shit therefore it's illegal to be a woman and super-illegal to be whore. They all get kidnapped by Osama Bin Laden for being whores, except the Ginger because the terrorists think she's a he. The end.

Whoever green-lit this movie should be shot. In the knee. and then foreced to crawl across the 110 freeway at night time.

It's racist because you are white.

Think about it. The only reason you are for this whole Arizona Immigration law is because you are white, and because you are white you are ultimately a bigot. It makes sense, CNMSNBCNN told me so. Keith Olberman would NEVER lie to me, you take that back.

There's no way you read the law, let a lone understand it. Just because it says that racial profiling is frowned upon and illegal doesn't actually mean that whoever wrote and will enforce it will stand by that. Why would they do such a thing? They're going to be ripping "illegal-looking" people out of cars before you can say Chimichanga! Don't pay attention to what the law says, pay attention to what it DOESN'T say maaan, it's a conspiracy! Arizona is the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll. They started the Vietnam war, planted WMD's in Iraq and now they're trying to enforce a federal law in their own state!

What of this federal law? That's just made up by more racist white people. It doesn't actually exist. It was invented by the white man to keep us down, and we're sure as shit not going to enforce it. Boycott Arizona, and move to Mexico! I here it's a lovely country, minus the wide-spread poverty, drug cartels and all that!

Shame on you Arizona for wanting people to come to this country legally and not bilk the system for money. Bunch of slack-jawed red-necked racists!

(totally serious)

Oh the humanity!!

Dear Internet,

What's goin on? How are your series of tubes? I agree, Al Gore is an ass-clown, everyone knows you created yourself just like God did. Maybe you are God, think about it. Stop being modest, you are so awesome. Where else can "Self Potato" grow and become a sensation along side of millions of self-shot pornos and FAILblog? Answer: no-fucking-where.


But I Digress...

That earthquake in Haiti, have you seen this? Have you heard about this? That's some serious business right there. I want to say something before I go off on to my normal tangent of misery and pessimism: I feel bad for everyone that lost their life, family members, pets, personal property, baby teeth etc in that disaster. However, how many millions of dollars are the American people and Government sending their way?? This is one of the great mysteries of the American society that I have yet to solve. Why do we choose to help so many other people, places, causes when we have so many problems in our own houses, community, families?

Like I said, what happened is a tragedy, but let's take a step back here and leave our emotions out of this and start thinking with something that's increasingly rare in our day and age: reason and logical thought! A few years ago there was a little thing called "hurricane Katrina" and she was and is a dirty dirty whore that seriously fucked up a large region of of country, leaving hundreds if not thousands of American citizens without food, water, and shelter. This was a few years ago and still things aren't alright in New Orleans. Why is it then that we organize telethons, donate $10 a text message and as a country let the Government donate time and resources to help another group of people? Things aren't right here!! It seems that Katrina and New Orleans are old news, they're sooooo 2005. Haiti is the new hot shit disaster! Get with the program! New Orleans wants their own celebrity telethon, sans Kanye and Mike Myers. Barack Obama doesn't care about American Citizens. Reese Witherspoon doesn't care about Americans.

Another thing like this that drives me nuts is the trend that every charity has to revolve around problems in Africa. The perfect example of this is the Starbucks, GAP, etc "RED" campaign that benefits AIDS in Africa, because as we all know, AIDS doesn't exist anywhere else. I have no problem with part of my money that I spend on coffee going to help with AIDS research, medicine, etc but why can't it go to some kind of general fund? I refuse to buy these products for this very reason. This is a world-wide problem, not just in Africa.

This is a lame as Angelina and Madonna buying African orphans (yes, I said buying) because there aren't enough orphans in America that need a home. These two bitches should get punched in the face. They try to trendy and fashionable through the guise of charity, it's fucked up. Don't pretend to care, just buy a new purse or pair of shoes instead of an African kid next time.

Back to my original point: we're in a god-damned recession. Don't believe the hype, we're still in it, yet we're sending millions, if not billions of dollars to other countries to help them out. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? We've got crumbling roads, people out of work, and an exponentially and ever-growing deficit and we're sending other people money? Fuck. This is what's wrong with America. People are so worried about what people think of them and what's going on outside of their own house, backyard, country that things here are simply falling apart. This is the same thing as your neighbor butting his stupid face in when you didn't cut your grass this week, or when you forgot to bring the trashcans back from the curb. Mind your own fucking business. Your 16 your old daughter is dating a 30 year old and I'm pretty sure she's gonna get knocked up.(see the TV show "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant" for perfect examples)

This is the catch-22 that America faces, fucked if we do, double-fucked if we don't. We've become the super villain of the world and yet the hero at the same time. It's time to put a stop to this idiocy. Let's take care of business here before we try to save the world before it's too late. Time to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan and spend some money fixing our problems, not hunting Osama (he''s dead anyway), not building schools is other countries, and sure as hell not sending tax dollars outside of the United States.

Vanity Plates are awesome!

It's been a busy couple (4 or 5) weeks. I've been driving around LA and OC a lot for work and other things and for those of you that haven't been to Southern California, Vanity Plates are everywhere. Seriously, LA has to be the vanity plate capital of the world (sorry Bangkok). While none are as awesome as "Ass Man" from Seinfeld fame, there is one disturbing trend: gross chics that think they're hot.

I saw a license plate that read "SEXC MAMI" the other day on the 110 and I thought to myself, FAT! FAT FAT FAT FAT! But you know what? I was wrong, she was HUUUUUUUUGE not just fat. It's become my realization that anyone with a plate that says "SEXY", "SEXC", "HOT" etc means that they are a very large minority woman, mostly Hispanic or "African-American".

Who told these bitches they were hot? Are they being ironic?(no, women have zero sense of humor, especially when it comes to matter of weight.) Why the fuck are there so many ugly bitches with these license plates? Isn't there some kind of screening process? There should. You should have to submit a RECENT photo of yourself with your vanity plate application. I realize that California is hard up for funds right now, but still, the extra money the Government gets from fat chics paying for vanity plates can't be that big of an amount. To offset this loss just raise the tax on fast food, especially KFC and McDonald's. I venture to say that the revenue change will be vastly on the positive side.

Maybe these plates are out there for dudes that consider themselves "chubby chasers" or something. It's an easy way to weed out the big girls from the average to small girls or something. It's like shooting a deer and following the trail of blood to find your kill, only it's a trail of Burger King bags and the bleeding is internal. I don't fault these guys for jumping on "grenades" for the rest of us, but come on. This has got to stop.

Fuck YOUR Life.

On a happier note the Cavs took care of business and beat the Fakers last night. How did Bynum and Gasol grow to be 7feet+ tall and still manage to never grow male genitalia. Lisa Leslie thinks they're fags. I realize that Pau is a Euro, so by nature he flops, is soft and can't make big boy plays but come on. Everyone that said the Shaq trade was dumb can now tell him how his ass tastes because he beat those bitches up. DJ Mbenga saw playing time.... in the first half.

The best part is that all the Fakers fans will stop running their mouths and pretending they know shit about "their" team. First the USC coaching/NCAA debacle and now this! What an awesome month! No more USC or Lakers car flags = success!

Time for GTL bitches! I'm out.

Adam James is a Bitch.

That's right, I said what you were probably thinking. I'll say it again: Adam James is a fucking bitch. A whiny spoiled brat that wasn't getting his way and managed to get a person that he didn't like wrongfully terminated.

Hopefully you've seen the video tour of the "shed" and "electrical closet by now". If not, I'll tell you; they're nothing like a shed or electrical closet whatsoever. Quite spacious, with fans and ice machines. Not cob webs, dust and exposed electrical wires.

I'm not saying what ex-coach Mike Leach did is right, but what I am saying is that we're getting in to dangerous territory where one person's word can get you fired without any sort of corroboration of stories or evidence submitted by anyone else but your accuser. I'm sure that if you take a look at any football program there are going to be players(that don't get any PT) that don't like the way they are treated, think they should see more field time and just think life isn't fair, boo hoo. Guess what bitches, life isn't fair. Just because you don't like the way things are going doesn't mean that you should be such a cry-baby. Suck it up. Practice harder, spend more time watching game film, hit the weights, etc if you want more playing time.

Another thing that's super-fucked about this scenario is the dedicated time Adam's daddy, Craig James(an ESPN "analyst" no less) , was given on sports center to defend his son and talk about how terrible of a coach and person Mike Leach is. What a crock of shit. Talk about guilty before proven otherwise, this is the perfect case.

I will say this is far different that the Mark Mangino situation that was in Kansas where players were physically harmed b y his actions. The whole turf burn thing was pretty gross if you ask me. This kid got yelled at. That's pretty much it. How many times have you been yelled at? Did you cry about it? Did you get revenge on that person and make it a personal vendetta. Coaches yell at people, that at least half of what coaching is. The coach isn't there to pat you on the head and tell you that you are special. He's there to make you tougher, a better player and to ultimately win games. He is not there for your self esteem.

The worst part is just think about the message it sends to other players at different schools and in large part the next/current generation of kids: if something is tough you cry about it and everything will be taken care of. That's the problem with kids and society as a whole nowadays; every thinks they're special. Let me ask you something: what did Adam James ever accomplish?? NOTHING. Yet he feels entitled to be treated like he did, and maybe better than other players in general. I heard someone on the radio(ex NFLer) say this was the "wussification" of society as we know it, and I tend to agree. The next generation is fucked. They can't take the heat, can't take a joke and can't take criticism. Is it our job to make the world softer and more comfortable for their privileged bum bums? It sure sounds like it.

Bowl Season is Upon Us

You know what that means? The most glorious time of the year will soon come to an end and we'll be forced in to watching a bazillion NBA games on TNT, at least Charles Barkley does the half time show and provides us with entertainment. C-Webb, not so much(TIMEOUT!!).

When I think about Bowl Season I think of two major things: Goddamn there are a lot of bowl games and do they let just anyone sponsor these things? Point in Case: The Brut(yeah, the stuff your grandpa splashed on after he shaved) Sun Bowl. Brut! FUCKING BRUT! I think Old Spice would be a more suitable sponsor for a bowl because at least they make other popular products and not just cologne/aftershave that no one under 65 years of age buys. How bout the Motor City Bowl in Sunny Detroit! Isn't that fucking city bankrupt?!?!?! Little Caesar's Bowl.... all I know is that they sell $5 "hot and ready" pizzas and that's all. That's a shit ton of $5 pizzas. This company has to be bankrupt. My new Favorite might actually be the St. Petersburg Bowl sponsored by something called "Beef 'O' Bradys". Wow, that's amazing.

Why isn't there a Trojan Condom's Bowl? Or the Tampax Bowl made famous by the Academy Award winning Film "BASEketball"??? Seriously, I want these things to happen in my life time. If we can have bowl games sponsored by Beef O Brady's and Roady's, why not Condoms or Vivid Video? Seriously think about it. Vivid Video should be the sponsor of the Las Vegas Bowl, not Maaco.

Actually now that I think of it, my dream will never become a reality because supposedly we're going to have a playoff system in place within the next decade. RIGHT. Congress is involved people say, that will help. Name one time, JUST ONE, when congress has stepped in and actually made something happen faster that wasn't a tax hike! Can't do it, can you? It's just more of your tax dollars hard at work! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Tiger Woods Banged Some Chicks.... and other things I don't care about.

-Tiger Woods is a poon hound. The count is up to 10. Varying from "kinky" sex outdoors in a church parking lot to being high on Ambien while banging some slut, the details can get pretty gory. While I do enjoy hearing that he's banging chics from pornos and stupid cocktail waitresses I am tired of it being on sport center. The only thing that should piss me off on ESPN is Josh Elliot(bc he's a douche) , Jesse Palmer(Certified Grade-A Douche) and the constant sucking of the SEC's collective dick. Let me read about it on Deadspin if I choose to, I just don't want it in the "Not Top 10".

-What's with people bitching about Christmas/Hanuka decorations in public places? I was listening to the radio yesterday and a "Humanist" called in and basically complained that other humanist feel sad during the holidays because they don't believe in God and there are no decorations up for them. So they've started a campaign letting other humanists know that it's OK to celebrate the holidays and give gifts etc, you don't have to believe in Jesus, or the story about how the oil in the lamp lasted 8 nights for those Jewish people back in the day.

Their overall message of just be a good person is alright, I can dig it. But I just hate when people bitch because their views aren't represented the same way that other people's are. Do I get upset when all the local media covers is the Lakers and I am a Cavs fan? Yes! Well, not really. Stop whining. The world doesn't need less decorations and more holidays. It needs less whiny people. Besides, what do humanist/atheist decorations look like? Are they invisible since they believe in nothing? We all know that believing in something you can't see is silly, right?

-It rained yesterday. The commute was terrible and to top it all off my shoe got pretty much water-logged. Reminds me why I don't live in Ohio anymore. But for all of you idiots that think it's "freezing" here now, it isn't even close. You can put your down jackets and mittens away, everything is going to be ok. And what's with the girls wearing winter coats, ugg boots and short shorts. Not complaining, but it just looks dumb.

-I went to Dicks Sporting Goods yesterday. My girlfriend was looking for long sleeve shirts to wear under her t-shirts at work and I noticed something weird. It's December and they already have a fresh crop of swim suits out on display. The Ski section is close to being boxed up in December! WTF!!! I'm just glad their aren't Valentine's Day decorations up yet, but now that I've said something they've probably started.

All of this just makes me realize that I am one of the few sane people left in this country. That's not exactly comforting.

Also, Timmy TeBag cried on TV. There is justice in this world after all.