Sports Commandments

I have returned from the top of the mountain and have returned with these 15.. *crash* TEN Commandments of sports fandom. Actually, there might be more than 10 if I can think of them(nope, just 10). The number really isn't all that important, all that matters is that you follow them. Blindly follow even. I'm a HUGE sports fan. Most of my friends fall under the same category. We all know there are certain unwritten and sometimes even unspoken rules that all fans should obey. Here's my list.

1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.

2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.

3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.

4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".

5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".

6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.

7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.

8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.

Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious

9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.

10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.