That's right, fuck you, third grad teachers of America. Referring to one of the most bad-ass holidays ever as "Turkey Day" makes you sound like a tard. (Again, no offense to actual tards. You guys probably hate that phrase too.) You wouldn't say "Happy Jesus Day!" would you? No you wouldn't because that would actually be funny and original. Two things which you are not. You're the type of person that wears ugly Christmas sweaters because you actually like them, not because you are going to an ugly sweater party. I am thankful that I don't keep many people like you inside the circle of trust. You have all been kicked out. Probably many many years ago because I can't stand you and your stupid face.
But I guess I should be thankful for other things like girlfriend(hates when I call her that), family, the troops in all those hot sandy god-awful places, etc. I genuinely am thankful for all of those things. Here are some other things I am thankful for as we pause to let deep thoughts evolve in our ever expanding minds on this day before the day of giving thanks. (I also refuse to refer to the day before Thanksgiving as "Thanksgiving Eve". That's just making more stupid holidays up. I'm looking at YOU "sweetest day".)
- Cheetos - They're awesome, admit it.
-The Bevmo that opened up by my house this year - It's a glorious thing. For those of you that don't know what Bevmo is and have also never heard of Google either, Bevmo is like a supermarket dedicated to all this containing alcohol or that with be mixed or eaten in conjunction with alcohol. Whoever invented this was a genius.
- Not going to the night-before-Thanksgiving in your hometown bar gathering - Let me set you straight here, I am not happy that I won't be in Ohio for Thanksgiving. That's not my point at all. I'm just happy I won't have to hang out with douches that I went to the same high school roughly 10 years ago, pretend to like them, pretend to care what they're up to now, etc. I have, in the past, played the pretend caring card only to have it blow up in my face as a result of Jager shots. While I will miss pissing everyone off, I won't miss pretending to care that I like you. You probably call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day" anyway. Douche.
- The Rose Bowl - Finally an OSU game close by that isn't another home game for those USC D-Bags.
- A couple days off from work - No explanation needed.
- Spending the day AFTER Thanksgiving going to wineries and the Firestone brewery in Paso Robles and NOT SHOPPING - People that go shopping on "Black Friday" are idiots. Ever heard of amazon.com? 10 times better than walmart at 4am on a cold Friday in November waiting in line to buy the next thing your little brat will destroy in 2 months or forget about completely when the next big thing comes out.
The Holiday season is upon us, people. It's Scary. Try not to kill yourself or the guy next to you fighting for the same new xbox game that your kid wants too. Just remember to eat drink and drink some more. We can do this. We just have to be strong.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Pet Peave of the Day.
So I got up from my chair at my desk to take a leak. It's a pretty regular occurrence, I drink lots of water. The urinals are occupado and I will NOT violate the one urinal rule because I am a man of principle. I do the gentlemanly thing and walk towards and empty stall. I open the door and to my horror SOMEONE BLEW T UP AND DID NOT FLUSH!!!! WTF!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! To add insult to injury they left the ass gasket on the seat. Fuck it, I walked out.
What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.
What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Fuck Michigan
We got the "dubya". Michigan can suck my fucking dick. Back to the celebration... Go Bucks
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dad Takes Son to Hooters.... Bricks are Shat.
(In my best Jimmy, from South Park voice) "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?"
I hate when people get their shorts in a bunch over the stupidest little things. Big deal, this guy took his kids to Hooters(not a strip club?) to see what his reaction would be and to tell if it was time for "the talk". Good. It's better than more babies havin babies.
"Der Hooters is sexist" - You're a moron. Sure, wearing short shorts and flaunting your lady parts is going to get you bigger tips. Won't that happen at Chili's(suck) or TGIFriday's (double-suck)? You're only fooling yourself. These are the same people that will let their son play with barbies and wonder how he turned out to be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that) or a very effeminate "straight" guy who gets bullied by his wife and has his nuts in a vice.
Don't people have enough shit to worry about in their own lives that they don't have time to stick their noses in other people's business? Take care of your own problems. I read the comments, and most of the people are retarded(save for me or course pointing out sweet sweet irony) saying stuff like "how dare you?" and "messed up". Fuck them. Worry about your own kids.
This is what's wrong with America.
I hate when people get their shorts in a bunch over the stupidest little things. Big deal, this guy took his kids to Hooters(not a strip club?) to see what his reaction would be and to tell if it was time for "the talk". Good. It's better than more babies havin babies.
"Der Hooters is sexist" - You're a moron. Sure, wearing short shorts and flaunting your lady parts is going to get you bigger tips. Won't that happen at Chili's(suck) or TGIFriday's (double-suck)? You're only fooling yourself. These are the same people that will let their son play with barbies and wonder how he turned out to be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that) or a very effeminate "straight" guy who gets bullied by his wife and has his nuts in a vice.
Don't people have enough shit to worry about in their own lives that they don't have time to stick their noses in other people's business? Take care of your own problems. I read the comments, and most of the people are retarded(save for me or course pointing out sweet sweet irony) saying stuff like "how dare you?" and "messed up". Fuck them. Worry about your own kids.
This is what's wrong with America.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Sports Commandments
I have returned from the top of the mountain and have returned with these 15.. *crash* TEN Commandments of sports fandom. Actually, there might be more than 10 if I can think of them(nope, just 10). The number really isn't all that important, all that matters is that you follow them. Blindly follow even. I'm a HUGE sports fan. Most of my friends fall under the same category. We all know there are certain unwritten and sometimes even unspoken rules that all fans should obey. Here's my list.
1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.
2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.
3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.
4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".
5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".
6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.
7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.
8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.
Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious
9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.
10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.
1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.
2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.
3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.
4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".
5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".
6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.
7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.
8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.
Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.
10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.
Finally, the weekend.
Luckily for me, I didn't have to show up to the office today. Being a sales rep means I get to go all over the damn place and spend a lot of time sitting in LA traffic cursing my existence. Today wasn't all that bad though, I went to a mini-convention maybe 3 miles from my house which means instead of waking up at 5:45 and starting my routine, which you have all seen(and by" you" I mean Ski, my mom, and my sister) I got to sleep til damn near 7. That's a fucking accomplishment. How sad my life has become.
3 or 4 years ago waking up at 7 was not a possibility unless it was a football Saturday and I had important business[drinking] to attend to. I used to sleep til 10 at a minimum to make it to my noon class, and even then there was no guarantee I would make it, which would explain why I was constantly on academic probation from the fine establishment also known as Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity. Now if I sleep til 7 or 7:30 I wake up and feel like I've slept til noon. It's fucked up. What's going on with my body and my brain? Even if I try to sleep in my body naturally wakes me up thus shooting all chances of sleeping in squarely in the ass.
Anyway, let's get back on topic: me not being in the office today. So being out of the office let's me avoid one thing I hate; STANDARD OFFICE SMALL TALK. You probably know what I mean by this. You can almost tell what certain people you work with are going to say to you in the morning just by what day it is.
Monday - Standard Questions: How was your weekend? Did your team win? etc. Standard Statements. My weekend was good, TOO SHORT THOUGH ROFL!!!! My team won or lost goddammit they suck balls. I can't wait til Friday. My life sucks. I need more coffee to handle this shit, etc.
Tuesday - HEY, at least it's not Monday!! LOL HIGH FIVE!
Wednesday - IT'S HUMP DAY/HAPPY HUMP DAY! These statements seem ironic, and I looove irony. Everyone that says something about hump day has the same perverted thought in their head "ha, you just said hump!". Fact of the matter is, everyone I work with is married and has kids so NO day is ever hump day for them. Literally.
Thursday - OMFG I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, I need more coffee to make it through this shit.
FRIDAY - WOO Weekend, bla bla bla let's not do any work today at all because I checked out as soon as I parked my car in the garage this morning! What are your weekend plans? Who does your team play? You Golf?
How many times during a 5 day work week do these people say the word "Friday"? Friday is the most popular word in every office everywhere. No wonder we're so fucked and the recession went on/is going on for so long. Everyone is a moron.
I hate Office small talk for another reason: no one knows shit about you. They don't care what your responses are, and they won't remember any of them. I can't tell you how many times I've been over that fact that I am from Ohio with people I work with. "Ohio??" Yes, Ohio. And no I do not like country music, did not live on a farm or any other retarded vision of Ohioans you have in your head. People in California are so fucking dumb when it comes to anything outside of their bubble. To them there California, some dry hot places, some cold places, farmers, hicks and NYC. That's it. That's what America looks like to them.
Anyways, I'm fucking out. I have football to watch. Go WVU(fuck Cincituckey), and Go Bucks!
Almost forgot - thanks to everyone at 11w and the BBC for checking this out. Your comments and readership are appreciated.
3 or 4 years ago waking up at 7 was not a possibility unless it was a football Saturday and I had important business[drinking] to attend to. I used to sleep til 10 at a minimum to make it to my noon class, and even then there was no guarantee I would make it, which would explain why I was constantly on academic probation from the fine establishment also known as Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity. Now if I sleep til 7 or 7:30 I wake up and feel like I've slept til noon. It's fucked up. What's going on with my body and my brain? Even if I try to sleep in my body naturally wakes me up thus shooting all chances of sleeping in squarely in the ass.
Anyway, let's get back on topic: me not being in the office today. So being out of the office let's me avoid one thing I hate; STANDARD OFFICE SMALL TALK. You probably know what I mean by this. You can almost tell what certain people you work with are going to say to you in the morning just by what day it is.
Monday - Standard Questions: How was your weekend? Did your team win? etc. Standard Statements. My weekend was good, TOO SHORT THOUGH ROFL!!!! My team won or lost goddammit they suck balls. I can't wait til Friday. My life sucks. I need more coffee to handle this shit, etc.
Tuesday - HEY, at least it's not Monday!! LOL HIGH FIVE!
Wednesday - IT'S HUMP DAY/HAPPY HUMP DAY! These statements seem ironic, and I looove irony. Everyone that says something about hump day has the same perverted thought in their head "ha, you just said hump!". Fact of the matter is, everyone I work with is married and has kids so NO day is ever hump day for them. Literally.
Thursday - OMFG I am so glad tomorrow is Friday, I need more coffee to make it through this shit.
FRIDAY - WOO Weekend, bla bla bla let's not do any work today at all because I checked out as soon as I parked my car in the garage this morning! What are your weekend plans? Who does your team play? You Golf?
How many times during a 5 day work week do these people say the word "Friday"? Friday is the most popular word in every office everywhere. No wonder we're so fucked and the recession went on/is going on for so long. Everyone is a moron.
I hate Office small talk for another reason: no one knows shit about you. They don't care what your responses are, and they won't remember any of them. I can't tell you how many times I've been over that fact that I am from Ohio with people I work with. "Ohio??" Yes, Ohio. And no I do not like country music, did not live on a farm or any other retarded vision of Ohioans you have in your head. People in California are so fucking dumb when it comes to anything outside of their bubble. To them there California, some dry hot places, some cold places, farmers, hicks and NYC. That's it. That's what America looks like to them.
Anyways, I'm fucking out. I have football to watch. Go WVU(fuck Cincituckey), and Go Bucks!
Almost forgot - thanks to everyone at 11w and the BBC for checking this out. Your comments and readership are appreciated.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Random thought
I live in Laker country, and hate the Lakers with a passion. Everyone LOVES Magic Johnson in LA. (Erv for all you "clones" out there, if you listen to Jim Rome you get it) Magic Johnson could bang a lot of hookers without wearing a condom even though he is married and get AIDS and people would still love him.. wait, wait a minute, that already happened.
Anyway, I was thinking of this a while ago. Picture the "Show Time" Lakers locker room. Magic, Kurt Rambis, James Worthy.... and AC Green. Sing it with me "one of these things is not like the other". You got Magic goin raw with LA Hookers and then there's AC, who was a virgin until he was like 45 or some crap. There could not be two more polar opposites in the world. Yet, they were on the same team and in the same locker room.
I have to think Magic gave AC some serious shit back in the day.Serious name calling, maybe even suggesting he preferred the company of other men, etc. Do you think AC calls Erv up and just says "told ya so" and hangs up? I would, but I'm like that. Spiteful.
Also, if ALS is "Lou Gehrig's Disease" why isn't HIV/AIDS "Magic Johnson's Disease"?? This is the kind of shit I think of in my spare time.
Side Note: Erv used to do safe sex commercials back in the day. OH SWEET IRONY!
Anyway, I was thinking of this a while ago. Picture the "Show Time" Lakers locker room. Magic, Kurt Rambis, James Worthy.... and AC Green. Sing it with me "one of these things is not like the other". You got Magic goin raw with LA Hookers and then there's AC, who was a virgin until he was like 45 or some crap. There could not be two more polar opposites in the world. Yet, they were on the same team and in the same locker room.
I have to think Magic gave AC some serious shit back in the day.Serious name calling, maybe even suggesting he preferred the company of other men, etc. Do you think AC calls Erv up and just says "told ya so" and hangs up? I would, but I'm like that. Spiteful.
Also, if ALS is "Lou Gehrig's Disease" why isn't HIV/AIDS "Magic Johnson's Disease"?? This is the kind of shit I think of in my spare time.
Side Note: Erv used to do safe sex commercials back in the day. OH SWEET IRONY!
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