The "Shake Weight for Men"

So I just saw a commercial on ESPNewsHD(yeah, HD all day bitchez) for the Shake Weight.... FOR MEN!!!!

Shake weight for women: AWESOME IDEA!!! (makes boobies shake and looks like a certain sexical act) Shake Weight for Men... No. Just no.

If you buy this go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. If you think this thing is gonna get you all jacked up like the dude in commercial you are high. He doesn't eat bread and he sticks needles in his butt more than Barry Bonds did/probably still does.

Who invented this piece of S? The world masturbation champion, Captain Basement Dweller??? "Derr muh fo-arm gets tarred when I shake hands wiv muh bess frend, I needsta work my baitin are out, a hyuck". What an asshole.

I hate people.

Pet Peave of the Day.

So I got up from my chair at my desk to take a leak. It's a pretty regular occurrence, I drink lots of water. The urinals are occupado and I will NOT violate the one urinal rule because I am a man of principle. I do the gentlemanly thing and walk towards and empty stall. I open the door and to my horror SOMEONE BLEW T UP AND DID NOT FLUSH!!!! WTF!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! To add insult to injury they left the ass gasket on the seat. Fuck it, I walked out.

What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.

Things I've been thinking about lately

I kid mt buddy Rob that the reason I don't do drugs(i.e. smoke the devil's lettuce) is that I don't need any help in the random/stupid ideas department. My brain works like no one else I know, meaning that I'm always zoning out, thinking about random stuff and inappropriate thoughts.

I've been thinking about taking an entire day and devoting it to my Facebook status. What do I mean? Well, that's easy. I want to post every single thing I do.

5:45 - Dave just hit snooze

5:55 - Dave just hit snooze again

6:05 - Fuck you blackberry, I'm awake.

6:10 - grinding coffee beans for the fresh coffee kick. fuck Folgers, whole bean is the way to go

6:20 - one cup down, time to take a shit

6:30 - still reading mens health on the toilet

6:35 - fuck reading I'm gonna play brickbreaker while i take a dump

6:38 - wiping

6:39 - wiping again

6:45 - shower, mostly scratching balls with soap

6:50 - getting dressed, but mostly watching sportcenter

I think you get the idea. I'll admit, I update my Facebook status entirely too much. For this I blame Facebook for Blackberry. But what I do not do is update it with every little thing like some people. Or put what I call the "feel sorry for me" post on there. Here's an example of that "bla bla bla my bf/gf dumped me, I hate my life, no one will ever love me again :( :( :( "

They didn't love you in the first place, shut the hell up and stop being an attention whore. The only reason people post shit like this is so that people will be all like "OMG WHAT A JERK!!!" and "DON'T WORRY, WE STILL LUV U! LOL!". Idiots.

And another thing "LOL" is stupid, but not as stupid as "LMAO" of the infamous "ROFL". I have never rolled on the floor laughing... while sober. Stop lying and stop contributing to your friend's feel sorry for me moment.

Am i just an asshole? At the age of 26 am I out of touch? I'd like to think it's just because I'm not a complete moron. The next generation is so fucked. We better fix all the problems that we have NOW because these tards are useless.

Speaking of useless - TWITTER. Really, you tweet? Why? Do you have Facebook? What's the point of having both?

Someone told me you could link your Twitter account to your Facebook account and that somehow made sense to them. Why would I need two things to perform the same function? Actually, Twitter isn't even on the same level. It's like pulling out your Facebook status and making it one singular application. It's retarded.

I understand twitter if your what I would consider to be an important person, or in the media, etc. If you actually have important things to say then knock yourself out. But people like you and me do not need twitter. Nothing we do is that cool or important that other people need to follow us. That's another thing wrong with the next generation, they think they're the most interesting and important people in the world when in all reality they haven't nor will they ever do anything productive. We better cure cancer and AIDS now, because these jackoffs have to tweet something real quick.

8:31 - finish blog post, need to dump again.

Fuck it. I'm out.

-Dave

Long time no..... type?

It's been a while, how've you been? What? You know, you're not supposed to really go in to that kind of detail. It's sort of a a rhetorical quest. Like when someone asks "how's it going?". You're not supposed to take the next twenty minutes of your day to tell them how much your life sucks. You say "OK, you?" and that's it. Done and..... done.

As for me I've been, we'll say "busy". Busy doing what? Good question. Just the usual work, gym, weekend thing that my life has become.(don't get older kids, stay here as long as you can) It's alright though, I could have it way worse. It seems like that if you listen and/or watch the news then you might start to think that everyone but you is out of a job, and having one has become almost a luxury. Times sure have changed haven't they? I'm glad we started this entry off on a positive not, aren't you?(yes, yes you are)

Random things I've been thinking about:

- Why is everyone else on the road and asshole and terrible driver/person but me? I'm serious. Apparently turn signals really mean "hurry up and pass me, but by all means do not let me over". To make it worse the same ass-hat that passed you will then turn their blinker on because they want YOU to let THEM over. Just face it, we live in a world full of self-absorbed idiots.

-Ugg boots, short shorts and a sweat shirt? Really California? Really?! I'm not going to go into how much sense this doesn't make. I could talk about that for hours. I will tell you how ugly/stupid it looks though.

-When I'm looking for a parking spot at a shopping center or busy store I sit and the entrance to the aisle and wait for someone to leave, thus blocking other people from coming in behind me and also preventing me from driving in circles and getting frustrated by not being able to find a G-D place to park. Seems like an easy enough concept, right? It is until there are a line of idiots behind you with their blinkers on trying to go down the aisle you're blocking and honking their horns.

-Why does it take the same amount of time to receive a regular cup of coffee from Starbucks as it does to order a $6 sugar infused mixed drink "coffee" cluster F? All I want is a regular coffee, Black, no cream, no sugar, no waiting.

-Are things that people do to "go green" really working? Or is it just BS? I recycle paper, plastic and aluminum which pretty much adds up to a lot of beer bottles and cans. I don't use plastic bags, I get paper bags and use then for recycling where they also get recycled. My point is, stop jamming this other crappy ideas down my throat. Besides, these people are all hypocrites. Just the other day I was driving home from the park and ride(Yes, I take public transit. Just another way I am saving the earth) when I saw a woman driving a Prius (one of the 10 million in California) throw her candy wrapper out the window. SHE LITTERED!!! You lose at the game of life.

-Head phones were invented so that you could listen to your music or whatever in privacy. Please stop misusing this great invention by blasting them so loud that I can clearly hear your terrible music. Also: just because we can't hear your music(ideally) doesn't mean we can't hear you [attempt] to sing. Shut up already.

-Dear idiots that call in to sports radio shows: "[other team name here] sucks" is not a valid or logical argument. I realize that you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer but come on. Just because you don't know anything about another team doesn't mean that your team is better than theirs. Besides, Pau Gasol looks like the "fish guy" in "The Empire Strikes Back".

Also, USC is a good team, we get it. But you can barely spell "USC" couldn't get in and if you did you sure as shit couldn't afford to go there. Please, ignorant morons, shut the hell up. LA is not the center of the universe If it were; where you lived would be bulldozed and/or blown up with mass quantities of dynamite and most likely no one would tell you because they don't care and want you to cease to exist (aka die).

Until next time, I'm out.

American Idol:Public Enemy Number 1

I hate American Idol. There, I said it. I really hate that show. It’s been going on for far too long and more importantly it’s what is really wrong with America. I won’t go as far as to say that it’s all reality shows that are to blame, but we sure do have a lot of them.

It started with The Real World, on MTV, a Show that I still somewhat enjoy watching. At least it’s the original right? But even this has gotten predictable. The formula is pretty much the same every show. There are 7 people of a mix of different races; one is perceived as naive or inexperienced and from a small town or conservative background, one is the party girl, party boy, gay person, opinionated judgmental girl, normal/boring guy, and then the person with anger/drug/family issues. There are a couple variations to that formula but I think my description is fairly accurate. The Real World pretty much created this genre of television and also went un-imitated and un-expanded upon for quite some time. And then came Survivor, which was fairly successful for the first 2 or 3 years and has dropped off. Then Big Brother, then the amazing race and then “Who Wants a Shot at VD: Bus Tour” and so on. (OK, so I made that last one up big deal. It’s a combination of a couple of shows out there right now)

Now it seems like all that is out there to watch on TV besides my beloved sports are “reality” shows. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why there are so many reality shows on TV; they’re far cheaper to produce than scripted television and the economy is in the crapper right now. NBC will soon be moving Jay Leno to the 10pm time slot, Monday through Friday thus replacing 5 1-hour scripted television series and saving the network millions of dollars even when they pay Jay an obscene amount. Now take out Jay Leno from this equation and put in a bunch of no-names that want to be famous that you don’t have to pay much if anything and you have a great formula for profitability. Throw on top of that the advertising revenue these shows generate because of the number ofpeople that watch and now you’re really cooking with gas. (Who says that? My mom, that’s who) I understand the economics of the situation, it’s not hard to understand, but this has got to stop. I can’t take it anymore. Why won’t these shows just die? Not only are they lacking in entertainment quality but they are ruining the country in which I live. The main perpetrator is American Idol.

American Idol has been on for 8 season now, which is increasingly hard to believe. Every year we have to deal with Fox shoving this show down our throats, giving Randy Jackson a chance to remind us that he is indeed black (How many times do you have to insert “dawg” in to a sentence, Randy?) and all of the “contestants” that sign up to embarrass themselves on National TV. (Don’t get me wrong here, I love seeing people make asses out of themselves.)Are some of these people good singers? Yes. Are some of them more talented than people that already have record deals? Absolutely. Do they have star quality and relevance? In most cases, no they do not. But that isn’t the problem I have with American Idol. My problem with this show is that it gives countless untalented dolts a tiny ray of hope that they can be just like what’s his face that won last year or the year earlier. All they have to do is audition, show us all how great they are and win their recording contract with whatever record label that sponsors the show. Done and done, you’re famous now. You don’t have to go back to working at Waffle House tomorrow, you’ve made it!

Wait, what now? That doesn’t happen. Only one person can win and that legitimately has talent and in most cases some sort of “star quality”. All that American Idol does is install a false sense of hope in these people. They see the show as a way out of their current lives and they treat is as a ladder in which they can ascend in to celebrity, leaving behind their grease-stained aprons and hair nets. Instead of just trying to better themselves, maybe getting an education and a “good job” they hold on to this false hope that they can be like whoever it is that won last year and be a millionaire. In many ways American Idol is worse than the lottery. I know plenty of people that have good jobs, family life, etc but will still plunk down a couple bucks a week on a lottery ticket.(I do it sometimes too. It’s, in a way, fun.) Do they really think they’ll win? Nope. Do they stop working at perfecting their craft? Again I say, no. No they don’t. How many contestants on American Idol can say this? Not many. They truly believe that they are the next big thing and this is why they’ve been put on this planet. (I would argue that they’re just here to annoy me, but it gives me something to write about. So, thanks?) Putting all of their “eggs” in the American Idol “basket” is just like someone quitting their job to play the lottery professionally.

Let’s not forget that a good percentage of past winners have gone on to have their contracts rescinded and have had to go back to the life that they previously left because no one really wants to listen to the pseudo-pop “music” that most of them put out. (I’m looking at you Clay Aiken and Company) The most successful American Idol winner would probably be Kelly Clarkson and let’s be honest here, do you know anyone that’s actually seen her in concert or paid for some of her music? I sure don’t.

Is hope for a better life a bad thing? In most cases I would say no. If you’re out there working towards your goal of becoming the sales leader for your company, getting that promotion, or earning partnership in a law firm it’s not a bad thing, it’s a great and admirable thing. Hell, hope has even gotten someone elected president. (I will reserve judgment until a later time, President Obama) Hope for the future is a great thing to have and a terrible thing not to have. Some would go as far as saying that if you don’t have hope for the future then it’s not really a life worth living, but isn’t have a false hope worse? Having hope is different than having goals. It’s a popular phrase in the business world that “hope is not a strategy”. Hope is hope, nothing more and nothing less.

This is why I urge you to stop watching American Idol. American Idol stands for what is wrong with this country; people who continue to cling to a [false] hope and do nothing to take action and be accountable for their lives and actions. In many ways American Idol is like the financial bail out that never materializes, or another stimulus package that does no good. So please, I’m literally begging you here, stop watching American Idol so people can start living in the real world and stop annoying all of us.

25 random things chain and other Facebook abnormalities

Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. I like it because It's a good way to stay in touch with people since I live approximately 2500 miles away from my birth place and home town, I can see what people are up to, look at their pictures, make fun of their misfortunes, etc. But a lot of the stuff on there is just too much for me. I get a lot of what used to be chain e-mails back in the day but are now chain memos, postings or whatever they want to call them. ( side note: Another thing that I just learned about if text message chains. My sister told me about it over IM today.(side note to previous side note: that's how we talk, and we only talk about randomness.) I've only received a few of them, but apparently it's very popular. I think that the only reason that I don't get them is because I'm more removed from High School than she is because this is her 2nd year of "freedom".)

We all remember the infamous chain e-mail from our high school days. "You better fill this shit out and send it off to 7 or more of your friends because if you don't you'll go blind, your genitals will fall off/close for business forever and your new puppy will die of AIDS". Does that jog your memory? God, that really brings me back to the late 1990's/early 2000's a time when all that shit was serious business (like the Internet, Dever). Now it's not quite so serious, at least to me. However, I have noticed that a lot of my friends on Facebook have been bitten by this bug and chose to pass on it's disease while telling me 25 "random" things about them in hopes that I too will fall for the trick. In the words of Lee Corso "not so fast, my (Facebook) friend".

If you want to know 25 random things about me, just ask. I probably have one of the most random minds and lives of people you'll ever meet. I'm not a "one-upper"(Farva, I'm looking at you buddy) but I'm pretty confident that I can match if not top your 25 most random facts if I really wanted to. They may not be as cool as your facts, but they will probably be more random. I've had a lot of crappy jobs in my short lifetime, been to a lot of weird places and have definitely met my fair share of weirdos. Now, my stories aren't Tucker Max random, I don't think anyone's are, but they are random none the less.

My point is(well, one of them), I do and I don't like the impersonal nature of Facebook. It's one or more levels down from texting or BB messaging(which I admit, I use frequently). If you want to tell somebody something, just tell them. If you want me to tell you random things about me, just ask me and I'll tell you if I want to. But if you think I feel obligated to tell you things because you toldme and 24 other people via a Facebook memo, then you sir/madam are sadly mistaken.

Other things that I don't want you to send me via Facebook or any other methods include:

-Vampires vs. Zombies or any other Nerd/Goth kid thing - Simply put: not interested. I don't fall under either one of those groups.

-An Invitation to your "cause" - If I cared I would already be a member. Just because you think No Child Left Behind (or whatever else) is a good idea it doesn't mean that I agree and it doesn't make you right either.

-"We're Related" - Most people already know we're related, or maybe I don't want them to know(kidding?) that we are. the point is, it's unnecessary.

-"XYZ has sent you a drink!" - I like drinks, especially free ones. But these are not real drinks and I do not drink apple martinis. You also could have slipped something in my drink too and I don't want to wake up next to you tomorrow morning. I'll pass, thank you.

- "Little Green Patch" - Seriously? Adding something to your Facebook profile does not help save the earth. I'm not exactly sure, but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that it actually hurts the Earth. There, are you happy now? You're killing my planet! Now get back in your Prius and kindly fuck off.

Am I missing anything here?

I would like to conclude by telling everyone 25 UNrandom things about myself.

1. I am a guy
2. I am white.
3. I wear shoes
4. I wear socks when I wear shoes
5. I also wear pants
6. I wear a belt to hold up said pants
7. My dog is black
8. I live on Earth
9. I eat food
10. I drink water
11. Me being white = my family members are also white
12. I live in a house
13. My house has at least 1 toilet
14. My house also has at least 1 bedroom
15. My bedroom has a bed in it
16. I sleep in the bed that is in my bed room
17. Sometimes I cover up with blankets
18. Sometimes I do not cover up with blankets
19. I use the restroom when needed
20. I have a job
21. my job pays me every two weeks
22. I get mail delivered to my house
23. Sometimes i send mail FROM my house
24. Sometimes I listen to music
25.I have two hands that each have 4 fingers and one thumb.

Do you realize how absurd all of this is?!?!

-Dave

p.s. this is not meant to offend any of my friends or family. I'm just venting. Please don't take it personally.