Bowl Season is Upon Us

You know what that means? The most glorious time of the year will soon come to an end and we'll be forced in to watching a bazillion NBA games on TNT, at least Charles Barkley does the half time show and provides us with entertainment. C-Webb, not so much(TIMEOUT!!).

When I think about Bowl Season I think of two major things: Goddamn there are a lot of bowl games and do they let just anyone sponsor these things? Point in Case: The Brut(yeah, the stuff your grandpa splashed on after he shaved) Sun Bowl. Brut! FUCKING BRUT! I think Old Spice would be a more suitable sponsor for a bowl because at least they make other popular products and not just cologne/aftershave that no one under 65 years of age buys. How bout the Motor City Bowl in Sunny Detroit! Isn't that fucking city bankrupt?!?!?! Little Caesar's Bowl.... all I know is that they sell $5 "hot and ready" pizzas and that's all. That's a shit ton of $5 pizzas. This company has to be bankrupt. My new Favorite might actually be the St. Petersburg Bowl sponsored by something called "Beef 'O' Bradys". Wow, that's amazing.

Why isn't there a Trojan Condom's Bowl? Or the Tampax Bowl made famous by the Academy Award winning Film "BASEketball"??? Seriously, I want these things to happen in my life time. If we can have bowl games sponsored by Beef O Brady's and Roady's, why not Condoms or Vivid Video? Seriously think about it. Vivid Video should be the sponsor of the Las Vegas Bowl, not Maaco.

Actually now that I think of it, my dream will never become a reality because supposedly we're going to have a playoff system in place within the next decade. RIGHT. Congress is involved people say, that will help. Name one time, JUST ONE, when congress has stepped in and actually made something happen faster that wasn't a tax hike! Can't do it, can you? It's just more of your tax dollars hard at work! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Tiger Woods Banged Some Chicks.... and other things I don't care about.

-Tiger Woods is a poon hound. The count is up to 10. Varying from "kinky" sex outdoors in a church parking lot to being high on Ambien while banging some slut, the details can get pretty gory. While I do enjoy hearing that he's banging chics from pornos and stupid cocktail waitresses I am tired of it being on sport center. The only thing that should piss me off on ESPN is Josh Elliot(bc he's a douche) , Jesse Palmer(Certified Grade-A Douche) and the constant sucking of the SEC's collective dick. Let me read about it on Deadspin if I choose to, I just don't want it in the "Not Top 10".

-What's with people bitching about Christmas/Hanuka decorations in public places? I was listening to the radio yesterday and a "Humanist" called in and basically complained that other humanist feel sad during the holidays because they don't believe in God and there are no decorations up for them. So they've started a campaign letting other humanists know that it's OK to celebrate the holidays and give gifts etc, you don't have to believe in Jesus, or the story about how the oil in the lamp lasted 8 nights for those Jewish people back in the day.

Their overall message of just be a good person is alright, I can dig it. But I just hate when people bitch because their views aren't represented the same way that other people's are. Do I get upset when all the local media covers is the Lakers and I am a Cavs fan? Yes! Well, not really. Stop whining. The world doesn't need less decorations and more holidays. It needs less whiny people. Besides, what do humanist/atheist decorations look like? Are they invisible since they believe in nothing? We all know that believing in something you can't see is silly, right?

-It rained yesterday. The commute was terrible and to top it all off my shoe got pretty much water-logged. Reminds me why I don't live in Ohio anymore. But for all of you idiots that think it's "freezing" here now, it isn't even close. You can put your down jackets and mittens away, everything is going to be ok. And what's with the girls wearing winter coats, ugg boots and short shorts. Not complaining, but it just looks dumb.

-I went to Dicks Sporting Goods yesterday. My girlfriend was looking for long sleeve shirts to wear under her t-shirts at work and I noticed something weird. It's December and they already have a fresh crop of swim suits out on display. The Ski section is close to being boxed up in December! WTF!!! I'm just glad their aren't Valentine's Day decorations up yet, but now that I've said something they've probably started.

All of this just makes me realize that I am one of the few sane people left in this country. That's not exactly comforting.

Also, Timmy TeBag cried on TV. There is justice in this world after all.

People that call it "Turkey Day" should be shot... or be forced to go back to 3rd grade. Whatever floats your proverbial boat

That's right, fuck you, third grad teachers of America. Referring to one of the most bad-ass holidays ever as "Turkey Day" makes you sound like a tard. (Again, no offense to actual tards. You guys probably hate that phrase too.) You wouldn't say "Happy Jesus Day!" would you? No you wouldn't because that would actually be funny and original. Two things which you are not. You're the type of person that wears ugly Christmas sweaters because you actually like them, not because you are going to an ugly sweater party. I am thankful that I don't keep many people like you inside the circle of trust. You have all been kicked out. Probably many many years ago because I can't stand you and your stupid face.

But I guess I should be thankful for other things like girlfriend(hates when I call her that), family, the troops in all those hot sandy god-awful places, etc. I genuinely am thankful for all of those things. Here are some other things I am thankful for as we pause to let deep thoughts evolve in our ever expanding minds on this day before the day of giving thanks. (I also refuse to refer to the day before Thanksgiving as "Thanksgiving Eve". That's just making more stupid holidays up. I'm looking at YOU "sweetest day".)

- Cheetos - They're awesome, admit it.

-The Bevmo that opened up by my house this year - It's a glorious thing. For those of you that don't know what Bevmo is and have also never heard of Google either, Bevmo is like a supermarket dedicated to all this containing alcohol or that with be mixed or eaten in conjunction with alcohol. Whoever invented this was a genius.

- Not going to the night-before-Thanksgiving in your hometown bar gathering - Let me set you straight here, I am not happy that I won't be in Ohio for Thanksgiving. That's not my point at all. I'm just happy I won't have to hang out with douches that I went to the same high school roughly 10 years ago, pretend to like them, pretend to care what they're up to now, etc. I have, in the past, played the pretend caring card only to have it blow up in my face as a result of Jager shots. While I will miss pissing everyone off, I won't miss pretending to care that I like you. You probably call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day" anyway. Douche.

- The Rose Bowl - Finally an OSU game close by that isn't another home game for those USC D-Bags.

- A couple days off from work - No explanation needed.

- Spending the day AFTER Thanksgiving going to wineries and the Firestone brewery in Paso Robles and NOT SHOPPING - People that go shopping on "Black Friday" are idiots. Ever heard of amazon.com? 10 times better than walmart at 4am on a cold Friday in November waiting in line to buy the next thing your little brat will destroy in 2 months or forget about completely when the next big thing comes out.

The Holiday season is upon us, people. It's Scary. Try not to kill yourself or the guy next to you fighting for the same new xbox game that your kid wants too. Just remember to eat drink and drink some more. We can do this. We just have to be strong.

Pet Peave of the Day.

So I got up from my chair at my desk to take a leak. It's a pretty regular occurrence, I drink lots of water. The urinals are occupado and I will NOT violate the one urinal rule because I am a man of principle. I do the gentlemanly thing and walk towards and empty stall. I open the door and to my horror SOMEONE BLEW T UP AND DID NOT FLUSH!!!! WTF!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! To add insult to injury they left the ass gasket on the seat. Fuck it, I walked out.

What kind of fuck-tarded moron leaves a place of business like that? These are the kinds of people I don't think the world needs. They make me consider being pro-choice.

Fuck Michigan

We got the "dubya". Michigan can suck my fucking dick. Back to the celebration... Go Bucks

Dad Takes Son to Hooters.... Bricks are Shat.

(In my best Jimmy, from South Park voice) "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?"

I hate when people get their shorts in a bunch over the stupidest little things. Big deal, this guy took his kids to Hooters(not a strip club?) to see what his reaction would be and to tell if it was time for "the talk". Good. It's better than more babies havin babies.

"Der Hooters is sexist" - You're a moron. Sure, wearing short shorts and flaunting your lady parts is going to get you bigger tips. Won't that happen at Chili's(suck) or TGIFriday's (double-suck)? You're only fooling yourself. These are the same people that will let their son play with barbies and wonder how he turned out to be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that) or a very effeminate "straight" guy who gets bullied by his wife and has his nuts in a vice.

Don't people have enough shit to worry about in their own lives that they don't have time to stick their noses in other people's business? Take care of your own problems. I read the comments, and most of the people are retarded(save for me or course pointing out sweet sweet irony) saying stuff like "how dare you?" and "messed up". Fuck them. Worry about your own kids.

This is what's wrong with America.

Sports Commandments

I have returned from the top of the mountain and have returned with these 15.. *crash* TEN Commandments of sports fandom. Actually, there might be more than 10 if I can think of them(nope, just 10). The number really isn't all that important, all that matters is that you follow them. Blindly follow even. I'm a HUGE sports fan. Most of my friends fall under the same category. We all know there are certain unwritten and sometimes even unspoken rules that all fans should obey. Here's my list.

1. If thou hast attendeth one school that is the team that you shall worship - If you went to THE Ohio State University like I did, you root for OSU at EVERYTHING. Football, basketball, woman's water polo, ice hockey, air rifle etc. You're not allowed to like UNC for basketball and Texas for baseball. That is the douchiest move you can pull as a fan and an alumnus.

2. Thou shalt honor thy father and maybe thy mother - My dad was an Ohio State fan and a Yankee fan. Therefore so am I. You can't go against your family. I knew(yeah, past tense) a kid that was a scUM fan just to spite his dad. What an asshole. If I ever have kids and they are dumb enough to pull that stunt they can say goodbye to college funds, inheretence, etc. You no longer exist. You're dead to me.

3. Thou shalt not change thy mind - No take backs. You can't be a fan of said team for all of your life and then all of the sudden decide you like somebody else better. It's just the way things work. I'm not sure how this works for Browns fans with that whole Baltimore Ravens thing, they can pick since they have legit arguments for each point.

4. The Team comes before the players - You are a Cavs fan, not a LeBron James fan. (if he leaves, fuck him we never liked him anyways). Never, I repeat NEVER become enamored by a player on your team. He will break your sports heart. In the age of free agency there is no such thing as loyalty to an organization. All that exists is a phrase called "max contract offer".

5, Thou shalt NOT get married on game day - This is one of my personal rules that I will follow til death. I've told all of my friends that if they get married when the Buckeyes are playing I will not be in attendance. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No means no. I was thew best man in a wedding and they had a reception in Ohio(wedding was in Florida(lame)). The reception happened to be held on the day of the 2006 season opener. Guess who wasn't there to give a speech. Guess who said "I told you so".

6. Thou shalt not marry/date a fan of a rival team - Few things make me sicker than those "house divided" flags and stickers. That's fucking gross. I hate you both.

7. Thou shalt watch all games in HD when that's an option - If it's not in HD then I'll give you a pass. This seems to happen less and less these days, but I know it still happens. Otherwise all games must be watched in high definition. (all shows must be watched in HD for that matter) Standard Def is for Michiganders.

8. There's no crying in baseball, but there is in college sports - Baseball is like 3,000 games in a season. You can't live and die by each game. College football is completely different. You play 12 games a year and they all count. You are supposed to be emotionally attached to your team. When they win you win, when they lose you lose. It's OK to get hammered and then get mad, sad extremely happy. It's the way God made sports.

Proof that there is crying in college football and that it is glorious

9. Shaking hands is for businessmen, not rivals. - Fuck all this "good game let's shake hands bullshit". We're not friends. We don't even not hate each other. This isn't little league or tee-ball.

10. Thou shalt wear thy heart on thy sleeve, and thy head, and they feet etc. - No one likes the "fan" that isn't sporting team colors on game day. Or the asshole that wears white to a home game(or the 110,000 assholes that wear white at home games in Herpe valley). If you're a real fan you have your jersey, your hat maybe even socks and wristbands on to support your team. You don't try to go undercover, that's bullshit.