Their vaginas aren't dry because they're in the desert(why are they in the desert again? ohh, that's right, terrorism) they're dry because they're all old. This should be called "No Sex in the Desert: The Jihad of Shoe Shopping" or some shit.
Character Line Up:
The blonde with shortish hair: Slut. Must use TONS of astro-glide
Ginger: No soul.
Main Charecter: Ugly as shit, get your mole removed. You have a face like Mr. Ed.
Brunette: Only bangable one, although I hear she believe in Xenu. That's questionable at best.
Story line:
Old whores go the desert to go shoe shopping and whore it up. Only what they don't realize is that they're in Iraq or some shit therefore it's illegal to be a woman and super-illegal to be whore. They all get kidnapped by Osama Bin Laden for being whores, except the Ginger because the terrorists think she's a he. The end.
Whoever green-lit this movie should be shot. In the knee. and then foreced to crawl across the 110 freeway at night time.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Pet Peeve of the Day.
Getting a Receptionists Voicemail.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! If the machine is answering the phone for you, why do we need to pay you? Is your job that fucking hard?!? Just answer the phone and get me to who I need to talk to. I refuse to leave you a voicemail!
Also, it's none of your god-damned business who I am or why I'm calling. You're a call router.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?! If the machine is answering the phone for you, why do we need to pay you? Is your job that fucking hard?!? Just answer the phone and get me to who I need to talk to. I refuse to leave you a voicemail!
Also, it's none of your god-damned business who I am or why I'm calling. You're a call router.
It's racist because you are white.
Think about it. The only reason you are for this whole Arizona Immigration law is because you are white, and because you are white you are ultimately a bigot. It makes sense, CNMSNBCNN told me so. Keith Olberman would NEVER lie to me, you take that back.
There's no way you read the law, let a lone understand it. Just because it says that racial profiling is frowned upon and illegal doesn't actually mean that whoever wrote and will enforce it will stand by that. Why would they do such a thing? They're going to be ripping "illegal-looking" people out of cars before you can say Chimichanga! Don't pay attention to what the law says, pay attention to what it DOESN'T say maaan, it's a conspiracy! Arizona is the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll. They started the Vietnam war, planted WMD's in Iraq and now they're trying to enforce a federal law in their own state!
What of this federal law? That's just made up by more racist white people. It doesn't actually exist. It was invented by the white man to keep us down, and we're sure as shit not going to enforce it. Boycott Arizona, and move to Mexico! I here it's a lovely country, minus the wide-spread poverty, drug cartels and all that!
Shame on you Arizona for wanting people to come to this country legally and not bilk the system for money. Bunch of slack-jawed red-necked racists!
(totally serious)
There's no way you read the law, let a lone understand it. Just because it says that racial profiling is frowned upon and illegal doesn't actually mean that whoever wrote and will enforce it will stand by that. Why would they do such a thing? They're going to be ripping "illegal-looking" people out of cars before you can say Chimichanga! Don't pay attention to what the law says, pay attention to what it DOESN'T say maaan, it's a conspiracy! Arizona is the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll. They started the Vietnam war, planted WMD's in Iraq and now they're trying to enforce a federal law in their own state!
What of this federal law? That's just made up by more racist white people. It doesn't actually exist. It was invented by the white man to keep us down, and we're sure as shit not going to enforce it. Boycott Arizona, and move to Mexico! I here it's a lovely country, minus the wide-spread poverty, drug cartels and all that!
Shame on you Arizona for wanting people to come to this country legally and not bilk the system for money. Bunch of slack-jawed red-necked racists!
(totally serious)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Oh the humanity!!
Dear Internet,
What's goin on? How are your series of tubes? I agree, Al Gore is an ass-clown, everyone knows you created yourself just like God did. Maybe you are God, think about it. Stop being modest, you are so awesome. Where else can "Self Potato" grow and become a sensation along side of millions of self-shot pornos and FAILblog? Answer: no-fucking-where.
But I Digress...
That earthquake in Haiti, have you seen this? Have you heard about this? That's some serious business right there. I want to say something before I go off on to my normal tangent of misery and pessimism: I feel bad for everyone that lost their life, family members, pets, personal property, baby teeth etc in that disaster. However, how many millions of dollars are the American people and Government sending their way?? This is one of the great mysteries of the American society that I have yet to solve. Why do we choose to help so many other people, places, causes when we have so many problems in our own houses, community, families?
Like I said, what happened is a tragedy, but let's take a step back here and leave our emotions out of this and start thinking with something that's increasingly rare in our day and age: reason and logical thought! A few years ago there was a little thing called "hurricane Katrina" and she was and is a dirty dirty whore that seriously fucked up a large region of of country, leaving hundreds if not thousands of American citizens without food, water, and shelter. This was a few years ago and still things aren't alright in New Orleans. Why is it then that we organize telethons, donate $10 a text message and as a country let the Government donate time and resources to help another group of people? Things aren't right here!! It seems that Katrina and New Orleans are old news, they're sooooo 2005. Haiti is the new hot shit disaster! Get with the program! New Orleans wants their own celebrity telethon, sans Kanye and Mike Myers. Barack Obama doesn't care about American Citizens. Reese Witherspoon doesn't care about Americans.
Another thing like this that drives me nuts is the trend that every charity has to revolve around problems in Africa. The perfect example of this is the Starbucks, GAP, etc "RED" campaign that benefits AIDS in Africa, because as we all know, AIDS doesn't exist anywhere else. I have no problem with part of my money that I spend on coffee going to help with AIDS research, medicine, etc but why can't it go to some kind of general fund? I refuse to buy these products for this very reason. This is a world-wide problem, not just in Africa.
This is a lame as Angelina and Madonna buying African orphans (yes, I said buying) because there aren't enough orphans in America that need a home. These two bitches should get punched in the face. They try to trendy and fashionable through the guise of charity, it's fucked up. Don't pretend to care, just buy a new purse or pair of shoes instead of an African kid next time.
Back to my original point: we're in a god-damned recession. Don't believe the hype, we're still in it, yet we're sending millions, if not billions of dollars to other countries to help them out. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? We've got crumbling roads, people out of work, and an exponentially and ever-growing deficit and we're sending other people money? Fuck. This is what's wrong with America. People are so worried about what people think of them and what's going on outside of their own house, backyard, country that things here are simply falling apart. This is the same thing as your neighbor butting his stupid face in when you didn't cut your grass this week, or when you forgot to bring the trashcans back from the curb. Mind your own fucking business. Your 16 your old daughter is dating a 30 year old and I'm pretty sure she's gonna get knocked up.(see the TV show "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant" for perfect examples)
This is the catch-22 that America faces, fucked if we do, double-fucked if we don't. We've become the super villain of the world and yet the hero at the same time. It's time to put a stop to this idiocy. Let's take care of business here before we try to save the world before it's too late. Time to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan and spend some money fixing our problems, not hunting Osama (he''s dead anyway), not building schools is other countries, and sure as hell not sending tax dollars outside of the United States.
What's goin on? How are your series of tubes? I agree, Al Gore is an ass-clown, everyone knows you created yourself just like God did. Maybe you are God, think about it. Stop being modest, you are so awesome. Where else can "Self Potato" grow and become a sensation along side of millions of self-shot pornos and FAILblog? Answer: no-fucking-where.
But I Digress...
That earthquake in Haiti, have you seen this? Have you heard about this? That's some serious business right there. I want to say something before I go off on to my normal tangent of misery and pessimism: I feel bad for everyone that lost their life, family members, pets, personal property, baby teeth etc in that disaster. However, how many millions of dollars are the American people and Government sending their way?? This is one of the great mysteries of the American society that I have yet to solve. Why do we choose to help so many other people, places, causes when we have so many problems in our own houses, community, families?
Like I said, what happened is a tragedy, but let's take a step back here and leave our emotions out of this and start thinking with something that's increasingly rare in our day and age: reason and logical thought! A few years ago there was a little thing called "hurricane Katrina" and she was and is a dirty dirty whore that seriously fucked up a large region of of country, leaving hundreds if not thousands of American citizens without food, water, and shelter. This was a few years ago and still things aren't alright in New Orleans. Why is it then that we organize telethons, donate $10 a text message and as a country let the Government donate time and resources to help another group of people? Things aren't right here!! It seems that Katrina and New Orleans are old news, they're sooooo 2005. Haiti is the new hot shit disaster! Get with the program! New Orleans wants their own celebrity telethon, sans Kanye and Mike Myers. Barack Obama doesn't care about American Citizens. Reese Witherspoon doesn't care about Americans.
Another thing like this that drives me nuts is the trend that every charity has to revolve around problems in Africa. The perfect example of this is the Starbucks, GAP, etc "RED" campaign that benefits AIDS in Africa, because as we all know, AIDS doesn't exist anywhere else. I have no problem with part of my money that I spend on coffee going to help with AIDS research, medicine, etc but why can't it go to some kind of general fund? I refuse to buy these products for this very reason. This is a world-wide problem, not just in Africa.
This is a lame as Angelina and Madonna buying African orphans (yes, I said buying) because there aren't enough orphans in America that need a home. These two bitches should get punched in the face. They try to trendy and fashionable through the guise of charity, it's fucked up. Don't pretend to care, just buy a new purse or pair of shoes instead of an African kid next time.
Back to my original point: we're in a god-damned recession. Don't believe the hype, we're still in it, yet we're sending millions, if not billions of dollars to other countries to help them out. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? We've got crumbling roads, people out of work, and an exponentially and ever-growing deficit and we're sending other people money? Fuck. This is what's wrong with America. People are so worried about what people think of them and what's going on outside of their own house, backyard, country that things here are simply falling apart. This is the same thing as your neighbor butting his stupid face in when you didn't cut your grass this week, or when you forgot to bring the trashcans back from the curb. Mind your own fucking business. Your 16 your old daughter is dating a 30 year old and I'm pretty sure she's gonna get knocked up.(see the TV show "Teen Mom" and "16 and Pregnant" for perfect examples)
This is the catch-22 that America faces, fucked if we do, double-fucked if we don't. We've become the super villain of the world and yet the hero at the same time. It's time to put a stop to this idiocy. Let's take care of business here before we try to save the world before it's too late. Time to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan and spend some money fixing our problems, not hunting Osama (he''s dead anyway), not building schools is other countries, and sure as hell not sending tax dollars outside of the United States.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Vanity Plates are awesome!
It's been a busy couple (4 or 5) weeks. I've been driving around LA and OC a lot for work and other things and for those of you that haven't been to Southern California, Vanity Plates are everywhere. Seriously, LA has to be the vanity plate capital of the world (sorry Bangkok). While none are as awesome as "Ass Man" from Seinfeld fame, there is one disturbing trend: gross chics that think they're hot.
I saw a license plate that read "SEXC MAMI" the other day on the 110 and I thought to myself, FAT! FAT FAT FAT FAT! But you know what? I was wrong, she was HUUUUUUUUGE not just fat. It's become my realization that anyone with a plate that says "SEXY", "SEXC", "HOT" etc means that they are a very large minority woman, mostly Hispanic or "African-American".
Who told these bitches they were hot? Are they being ironic?(no, women have zero sense of humor, especially when it comes to matter of weight.) Why the fuck are there so many ugly bitches with these license plates? Isn't there some kind of screening process? There should. You should have to submit a RECENT photo of yourself with your vanity plate application. I realize that California is hard up for funds right now, but still, the extra money the Government gets from fat chics paying for vanity plates can't be that big of an amount. To offset this loss just raise the tax on fast food, especially KFC and McDonald's. I venture to say that the revenue change will be vastly on the positive side.
Maybe these plates are out there for dudes that consider themselves "chubby chasers" or something. It's an easy way to weed out the big girls from the average to small girls or something. It's like shooting a deer and following the trail of blood to find your kill, only it's a trail of Burger King bags and the bleeding is internal. I don't fault these guys for jumping on "grenades" for the rest of us, but come on. This has got to stop.
Fuck YOUR Life.
On a happier note the Cavs took care of business and beat the Fakers last night. How did Bynum and Gasol grow to be 7feet+ tall and still manage to never grow male genitalia. Lisa Leslie thinks they're fags. I realize that Pau is a Euro, so by nature he flops, is soft and can't make big boy plays but come on. Everyone that said the Shaq trade was dumb can now tell him how his ass tastes because he beat those bitches up. DJ Mbenga saw playing time.... in the first half.
The best part is that all the Fakers fans will stop running their mouths and pretending they know shit about "their" team. First the USC coaching/NCAA debacle and now this! What an awesome month! No more USC or Lakers car flags = success!
Time for GTL bitches! I'm out.
I saw a license plate that read "SEXC MAMI" the other day on the 110 and I thought to myself, FAT! FAT FAT FAT FAT! But you know what? I was wrong, she was HUUUUUUUUGE not just fat. It's become my realization that anyone with a plate that says "SEXY", "SEXC", "HOT" etc means that they are a very large minority woman, mostly Hispanic or "African-American".
Who told these bitches they were hot? Are they being ironic?(no, women have zero sense of humor, especially when it comes to matter of weight.) Why the fuck are there so many ugly bitches with these license plates? Isn't there some kind of screening process? There should. You should have to submit a RECENT photo of yourself with your vanity plate application. I realize that California is hard up for funds right now, but still, the extra money the Government gets from fat chics paying for vanity plates can't be that big of an amount. To offset this loss just raise the tax on fast food, especially KFC and McDonald's. I venture to say that the revenue change will be vastly on the positive side.
Maybe these plates are out there for dudes that consider themselves "chubby chasers" or something. It's an easy way to weed out the big girls from the average to small girls or something. It's like shooting a deer and following the trail of blood to find your kill, only it's a trail of Burger King bags and the bleeding is internal. I don't fault these guys for jumping on "grenades" for the rest of us, but come on. This has got to stop.
Fuck YOUR Life.
On a happier note the Cavs took care of business and beat the Fakers last night. How did Bynum and Gasol grow to be 7feet+ tall and still manage to never grow male genitalia. Lisa Leslie thinks they're fags. I realize that Pau is a Euro, so by nature he flops, is soft and can't make big boy plays but come on. Everyone that said the Shaq trade was dumb can now tell him how his ass tastes because he beat those bitches up. DJ Mbenga saw playing time.... in the first half.
The best part is that all the Fakers fans will stop running their mouths and pretending they know shit about "their" team. First the USC coaching/NCAA debacle and now this! What an awesome month! No more USC or Lakers car flags = success!
Time for GTL bitches! I'm out.
Friday, January 8, 2010
How to be a Guido, with Michael Cera and the Venereal Disease Crew from the Jersey Shore
This kicks so much ass that I don't know how to put it in words.
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